Born to the Breed/Gifts from my mother

Sometimes there was roses

Sometimes there was thorns

But I know you're gonna make it

As sure as you were born

-Judy Collins

Freshman year of high school we were required to take a class called Life Skills. I don't remember much about the content of the class, probably a lot of learning about ourselves and how to deal with life's ups and downs. One of the assignments was to find a song that discribed you. My mother was a musician, so I went home and asked her to pick one for me. She pulled out Judy Collin's Born to the Breed. She said at the time that it was because of my interest in the performing arts, I was very interested in drama and she said that my interest in drama was like her interest in music. Barely three years later she was gone, and I was left with memories. It has been nearly 20 years since she "gave" me this song, but this phrase brings me near tears every time I hear it, it is her pushing me a long, telling me that I can do it. I woke up this morning with it echoing in my head, and I while I don't know if today will be roses or thorns, I know that I can carry through. Thanks Mom!

Who we are

My mother wasn't able to be the parent that I needed, my father died when I was nine. So many others though, picked up where she couldn't, so many others gave me love, taught me to go on, to carry though on what I needed to do. Their lessons became so much a part of me, that it has taken me until now to figure out why I am who I am in spite of or because of, the childhood experiences I had. No one can ever know what another's experiences truly have been, no one can really know how horrid or wonderful another's past was, and I'm beginning to understand that even I do not fully understand where I have been. I recall not wanting the life I had, I recall hating my mother for the disease she had, for not being strong enough to overcome her illness. I detested that she drank dispite warning from the doctor and the perscription bottles not to do so, I still detest alcohol most of the time and rarely partake for this reason. My home does not regularly contain alcohol, where my mother's home had a full bar, my brother's both have much alcohol in their home, they do not over induldge to my knowledge, but they have it in their home. If there is the occasional bottle of wine here it is because a recipie called for it or because someone brought it to share in my home, but it sits.
I believe we are constantly growing and becoming, we are constantly changing and growing, and when we close ourselves off to life's lessons is when we begin to die. I believe that we are the sum of our experiences, that each person who touches our lives affects us in a way that we carry with us, be it negative or positive. I believe that one person can make a difference, and I have been blessed with so many people touching my life to make a difference to me. I thank the Lord for the people He has had the wisdom to put in my life, I trust that should I be in need, He will carry me through the tough times.
Thank you, thank you, to all those who saw a girl who needed guidance and tried to help. I'm making it, even though I'm having a rough time right now, I'm making it.
Today I was awarded staff of the quarter for the work in recognition of the work I have done in the last three months, I am so proud of myself, and have only the sky as my limit!

Just say it

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your
head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off
instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say

-John Mayer

I often wonder how much better off we would be if we would just say what we need to say rather than keeping it all inside and never telling others how we feel and what they mean to us. So many friendships seem to drift away, that best, most dearest friend that we couldn't live without as children and teens, has become a picture on facebook and an occasional quote. The family member who you grew up with, who led you through some tough and confusing times, an occasional e-mail aquaintance. I think we all have them, we may wonder what we've done to push them so far away and we may wonder how to get back to knowing and understanding them on the level we used to. We might be surprised to learn that they weren't the people we thought they were before. That friend who we've talked to for hours may one day tell you something so out of character you begin to question just what exactly you really know about them, is this really the person you thought it was, or someone entirely different. Is that friend suffering some internal crisis over a loss that all of us eventually go through and none of us want to see? How do you start to tell a friend that your respect for them has fallen off, or that you think they are messing up their life in an enormous way? I wish all of us, myself included, could just say what we need to say and work on healing rather than carrying our pain with us until we are able to dump it upon a counselor or other mental health professional, or barring that just implode.

Tell those who are important to you just what they are to you, just what they mean, love without fear of being hurt.

Reaching out

Ok, so I finally reached out and told my brother what was going on. Needed some advice, and if I want truth, painfully honest truth, I go to my brother. So, he says, "Calm down, I cant understand you when you're crying" Ok, so whats wrong, so I tell him, he says, get a second job (quite honestly I've never held two jobs and it scares the hell out of me). I can't, I'm going to school, I have Sydney, what to do? Well, he says, "Maybe you need to put school aside for awhile and get out of this mess first" We will watch Sydney a couple nights a week if you need us to, and you can work if Al hasn't found another job. Quite frankly, I don't think he as been looking very hard, which really pisses me off since he said he would take care of everything and I didn't have to worry. YEAH RIGHT!!! HAHAHAHAHA~~ So now that I have digested this brutal honesty, from he who has never worked two jobs before but has also not over extended himself to the point of needing to, I've applied for a second job, and I will apply for more. Sydney is now old enough to understand the necessity of working two jobs, and if I have to, I'll just not sleep for a really long time and keep going to school anyway. Yeah, that's it, not like no one else has ever done it, I can do it, I'm gonna quit whining. I'll go to fast food or some customer service job, because I'm good at it, and it's like a no brainer for me, and I can sock away the money, pour it into the bills, get them paid off and then maybe be able to do something like not worry about it. I'll finish school, I am going to finish school, oh yes, but brother is right, got to get out of this mess first.

Digging out

So, financially we are in a giant ditch. Oh more like a crater has opened and swallowed us. Are we done falling? We are certainly done digging. So now we are trying to climb out and fill in the hole behind us, so the bills are not done coming in from the surgery, and we are no where near done with the doctor's follow up visits. We applied for assistance, because a friend had to buy us groceries. We don't qualify for assistance, we make too much for them to even take into consideration the medical costs. We only make a little more than the allowable level, but still it's over and they won't look at us. We quit smoking, because obviously if we have to have someone buy us groceries, the whopping $302 per month we were spending on ciggarettes is totally uncalled for. We put ourselves in this hole last year when we bought the new car, then the jobs went south and we were making over $20,000 less than we were last July. Same boat a lot of folks are in, we are dodging phone calls, can't figure out what to do. Thankful the rent is paid for another month, all the basic necessities are paid, except for the GIGANTIC car registration which was due last week, oh and the ability to buy food for ourselves. Just praying, trying to hold it together. No one around the house is listening, busy staring at the television instead. That is making things so much better!