Found out I'm Normal Today

HA!! For the last year or so I've been a member of a group called motherless daughters, which I joined, because, well...
So today I stumbled on to a site about parentless parents and parentless children, and I could have written the articles that are there, they could be pages from my journal, things I have done for years and thought I was weird. I thought I was weird or that there was something wrong with me because I still miss them so much, but I'm not weird, I'm normal! Ok, well now that I've figured that out, I'll keep on trucking.

Blessings

I was about 10 years old the night my mother sat me down and told me to count my blessings. How she came to this amazing conclusion that I needed to do so, and how she could see that there were so many blessings to rejoice in is amazing to me in looking back. We were living like refugees, my mother having spent all the money my father had left, moved us back to her hometown to live near her family. She and my brothers were secretly staying in a house that was supposed to be vacant, our furniture and all of our possessions piled high throughout the house, I was staying with my grandmother. We were not all under one roof, we did not have a space of our own, she was very depressed, and yet, she told me to stop crying and count my blessings, and I did, they were typical 10 year old blessings, my dog, my mom, my brothers. We had our own apartment shortly after that, but I've never forgotten her sitting down and making me count my blessings, I do it often, I have a rule that I have to come up with at least 10 each time. I've passed that on to my daughter, I make her count her blessings when she is sad, I make her stop and say out loud at least 10 things she has to be thankful for.
I didn't have a perfect childhood, but I was blessed with an amazing mother. Despite her illness she gave me the strength to carry on, the power to love through pain, the power to find something to be thankful for even when the days are dark. She passed on a thirst for knowledge that is never quenched an appreciation for music, and faith in God. I wish that I had been able to appreciate her when I was 18, but 18 is a hard time and we girls don't always appreciate their mothers until later. Even through her death she taught me something, I know that although Sydney and I will have our hard times, she will one day, say like 20 years from now, not find me so annoying and embarrassing.
I've been angry with Mom for a lot of years for leaving me, I've been angry that she isn't here to rally me on and to hold my hand when life is hard, but I forgive you Mom, I forgive you and I love you and I know that although you are not here physically, you are here in spirit.

Remembering to stop and admire the view

This weekend is the Reno Balloon races. An annual even which by chance was the occasion 12 years ago that first brought me into Reno. Leaving my Grandfather's house in Colfax one night and stopping for a few hours sleep at my Aunt's house in Truckee, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep, stumbled to my Uncle's friend's car, and was driven to Reno, where we parked on a hillside, just in time to see the glow show. The glow show begins at 5 a.m. and a formation of four or five balloons light the dark sky in coordination with music, and then at around 5:30 they take off in formation, their beautiful colors only visible against the dark sky as they release gas into the burners to rise in the air. Oh what a beautiful sight, one that has stuck with me through all these years, yet I've never managed to pull my bum out of bed and get down there to see it again. 4 a.m. is quite early, especially on a weekend when I would normally sleep until 8. Last year we almost made it, but it was daylight before we got to the field, this year though, we left the house by 4:45, sat in traffic just a mile from the field, and we were able to get to the field just as the dawn patrol began to light up the sky. There were tears in my eyes, tears of joy for the absolute beauty that I saw before me. We ventured further onto the field, sitting amongst the other balloonists who were preparing their crafts, we went and explored the booths above, the vendors selling beautifully hand made hot air balloon wind chimes, made of stained glass. It was an absolutely amazing experience to catch just a bit of someone belting out America the Beautiful and to find that suddenly this field, which was reportedly filled with up to 50,000 spectators, fall silent as they all listened and then later to watch as those same 50,000 spectators rose from the blankets and chairs they had been seated in for the last 2-3 hours to recognize our National Anthem and watch as planes from the Stead Air Field flew in the missing man formation in tribute to those lost 8 years ago in the 9/11 attacks. The morning grew more amazing as we laid directly under the mass ascension of the 100 or more balloons who were there to participate in the event. The tears kept flowing, because it has been a long and dark summer for me, because I've been sad and grouchy, because I haven't felt well due to neglect of my health. I think we all have a tendency to forget to stop and admire the beauty around us, to catch the sunrise, to show our children something amazing, despite their grouchiness at being pulled out of bed to stumble to the van at a very early hour. Peace has returned to my heart, I actually felt it come back to me today.