Avoidance

Avoidance is a way of managing conflict. I've been studying it over the last five weeks in my communications class, but I've been utilizing it for most of my life. My grandmother called me the day after Valentines day to tell me that she had a tumor that must be removed, that it was cancer. She had the surgery and they were unable to remove the tumor. When she called me to tell me that she had the cancer in the first place, I began to process the information, knowing that over the years I had not maintained relationships with the rest of my mother's family well enough that I would feel comfortable contacting them to get updates about my grandmother's condition. I spoke to my grandmother about a week ago, she told me that they had not gotten all the cancer and that it had spread to other areas of her body, I had already heard this from my aunt and my cousin, both of whom were kind enough to give me some details. I didn't know what else to say to her. I know the chances of her beating cancer at her age are significantly lower than someone younger, I know that she is a very independent person who has told me time and again that she does not want to spend her final years as an invalid, so from that moment in February when she told me about the tumor, I began to pray, I pray that my grandmother is able to enjoy some independence for the rest of her life. I pray that if the cancer is the reason for her death, that she will not spend a long time in agonizing pain. I praise the Lord that I am blessed with a beautiful and courageous woman as my grandmother, one that I was able to learn from and socialize with through my life, even though I was not able to live down the street from her. I praise the Lord for the knowledge that death is not the end, but only a pause until we are together again in Heaven where we can enjoy each other's company without the stresses and strains of daily life. Oh, but back to avoidance, I am feeling mentally prepared for bad news, but there are yet some hurdles for me to jump, because I haven't picked up the phone again to call and find out how she is. My cousin posted on her blog that my grandmother may have as little as three months to live, but because I am still a little afraid of the tears that will come with the confirmation of that, I have not picked up the phone or sent an e-mail to understand that statement further. Perhaps it is because it is enough for me to know that my once weekly, and lately monthly, phone calls will no longer be answered, perhaps it is because I don't know how to put into words what I feel. It is different for me than it is for the rest of my mother's family, I'm sure, I have been disconnected from the flock for most of my life, and try as I might to rejoin, I've been unable to do so. How to overcome this block I have in my mind, I'm pondering this, eventually I will come to an answer, hopefully before the opportunity has passed.