The Sun is Coming Out

Remember those commercials for some antidepressant that visualized depression as a cloudy day and the lifting of depression through use of said antidepressant as a sunny day? Well that's kind of how I'm feeling these days, don't know that it's all the new antidepressant that I started on Friday, maybe it's got some to do with the new anti diabetic medication I started at the same time, maybe it's just having some hope that these two will help me to be a little less anxious, less scared, less suspicious of others. I wrote here late last year about going to counseling and being ready to actually accomplish something with it. I wrote here too about finishing counseling and feeling pretty good about it. It helped, but there was still that self doubt, that "nobody likes me" feeling. I recall my mother feeling the same way, I recall her telling me when I was about 16 that nobody liked her. I sang that song to her, you know the one, "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms..." She'd never heard that song before, she smiled her beautiful smile, and climbed back in bed.

Depression, it entangles the good, it warps our views of ourselves and of the way others view us. For me, it warps my value of myself, my ability to see that my girls are happy and healthy and that my family loves me, even if we have lives which keep us busy and apart. The sun is starting to peek from behind these big dark clouds, the sun is coming out for me.

In an Instant

Yesterday I went outside and looked at the sky. The Thunderbird's flew overhead, looping, speeding, playing. They are amazing! All day at work we listened as planes flew around us, 450 mile an hour, so many spectators filing in the gates all day. I can see all that from my office at work, I love the air races, many years I've sat and watched as the old planes climbed high in the sky, daredevils plummeting quickly toward the earth, swooping up just in time. I've sat in those box seats, many years ago with Sydney. I've been on that field and right outside the airport for over a decade as the races took place. The traffic is frustrating to navigate through when everyone is out there, the planes flying overhead for days is loud, the buildings rattling and not being able to hear people calling in make work hard to endure. In an instant today, all that ceased to matter. In an instant, I was reminded how insignificant all those annoyances are.

The pilot who died today had been flying for nearly his entire life, yet today was his last flight. For nearly 40 years, spectators have sat and watched those races, less than 20 casualties have occurred in the history of the event, that is until today. Today there are at least 20 families without their loved ones, tonight there is the family of the pilot, the families of people who don't yet know the fate of their loved ones.

Remember to be thankful every second, because life can change, in an instant.

Dreams

Brooklyn is very talkative in the morning. Of course I can't understand most of it, but as she talks I notice that she sounds like she is telling a story. It's not usually the same thing over and over again, the "words" are varied. What is she telling me? I wonder...

Does Grandma Linda sing her off to sleep, play the piano with Brooklyn on her lap, tell her stories, bake bread for her, or take her to the park and spin her on the merry-go-round? Does she prepare a big picnic and take Brooklyn and Sydney to the pool for the day?

Does Grandpa Jim take her on his shoulders and walk tall and proud through the streets with her? Pointing out all the stars in the sky, the beauty that is in the world. Does he take her to Great Grandpa Bob's house and go hiking behind the house, take her fishing or do they just rough house? I hope that they do.

Farewell

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

-MercyMe "Homesick"

Grandma,

Thank you for loving me, for holding my hand, for being patient when I was grieving, for celebrating with me the births of my children, for listening when I was lost, and for being my ground when I needed it, my cheering section when I was working for something, and my cookbook when I wanted to make cookies or just talk. Thank you for all that you are and all that you have passed to me. I hope you are at peace and that you are with Pops and all those who went on before you. I say not goodbye here, but I say "I'll see you someday" I know that those who God calls home before us are never far from us, I know that you are there looking over all of us and continuing to encourage us to carry on. -Ginny

Heart

I suppose I ought to put down somewhere just how much my heart is aching over our move. We've been here for four and a half years, that is longer than I have ever lived in one place, ever in my life. I've hosted brownie troop meetings, buried a couple of hamsters, survived a rough pregnancy, hosted friends and family, watched my Sydney get taller and taller as she comes through the door. I've nursed her broken arms, her broken leg, her hurt feelings, I've fallen further and further in love with Al, and best of all of that, we brought Brooklyn home last summer to this little house. It's not much, just four walls, four old walls at that. Birds live in the roof and spring after spring they lay their eggs hatch their birds and then the little things can't make it out from under the eaves and end up falling to their deaths in the back yard. The back yard is full of weeds, because nothing else that I've planted there would grow. The garage is small, the bathroom is poorly ventilated, the kitchen makes one claustrophobic. I've made a life long friend since I lived in this house, met her because she used to live next door, I've even learned to appreciate the numerous dogs that now live there and learned that even though I don't share their love of dogs I can appreciate that they are a part of her family. I've watched the tree next door get bigger and bigger and provide shade to my bedroom, I've watched the children across the street grow just as I've watched my own. My heart is breaking that we are moving, and yet I tell my Sydney that it's just a house, we can be home anywhere. I know that's true, I know that no matter where the four of us live, we will be a family, it isn't this house that made us that way. Next Wednesday we will load Jon's truck up as many times as it takes and move our life to a little apartment. Sydney and Brooklyn, for the first time in their lives, have to share a room. Well that's ok, because really, the room is bigger than the ones they have on their own combined, most nights Brookie is in my bed anyway, and occasionally, so Syd is too. Maybe I should take that big bedroom and just put their beds in there? Nah! Al and I will take the smaller bedroom, we'll be a little crowded, but gee, it's rare that we're actually in the room at the same time anyway with his working graveyard and me on a traditional Monday - Friday 8 - 5. We will no longer be in a little neighborhood with no sidewalks and fast cars and places that it is scary to walk, we'll be in central Sparks, near the Boys and Girls club, the flea market, the drive in theater, and some grocery stores, thrift stores and a park. The places to walk will be flat, there is an exercise room, and with any luck, the pool will be repaired when we move in. There is a daycare if we decide that Brooklyn needs more than the home daycare where she is.

I've lost loved ones before, experienced grief and pain like I could never have imagined, and I keep telling myself that from pain there is growth, that from every loss I have gained somehow, I know that this will be no different, and this really is just a house, but I'm hurting right now, and I guess I had to admit that to myself so that I could get on with it.

Changes

I HATE CHANGE! Sometimes though, it is for the best. I have lived in my house for nearly 5 years now. I've accumulated much stuff, I hate the upkeep on the outside, detest the fact that there is no air conditioning, and my most favorite thing in the world to do, swim, is not easily accessible here. Yet, because I also hate to pack up and move, like most people, and because my ex-coworker owns the house, I stayed here. Then we brought the baby home and I fixed up her room, the first baby among my brothers and I to actually have a nursery to come home to. I've planted trees and shrubs here, I've literally and figuratively put down roots here in this house. Now I've got to move, I know that this move is better financially for our family, and there is also a belief that being able to sprawl out so in our house has allowed us to become less cohesive than we once were. The activities that are easily available where we are moving to hopefully will bring us back together. It may come at a bad time, Sydney has reached puberty, the hormones fly around abundantly, but for the summer at least, we will have a place for them to be released. I'm scared that we aren't doing the right thing, we've decided to move our little family into a two bedroom apartment, but I know families larger than ours that were raised in tiny two bedroom houses and are perhaps, all the closer for it. So here we go, with God as our captain, off on another adventure. Now, I could see more clearly the possibility this holds, if I could keep the tears from clouding my vision.

Avoidance

Avoidance is a way of managing conflict. I've been studying it over the last five weeks in my communications class, but I've been utilizing it for most of my life. My grandmother called me the day after Valentines day to tell me that she had a tumor that must be removed, that it was cancer. She had the surgery and they were unable to remove the tumor. When she called me to tell me that she had the cancer in the first place, I began to process the information, knowing that over the years I had not maintained relationships with the rest of my mother's family well enough that I would feel comfortable contacting them to get updates about my grandmother's condition. I spoke to my grandmother about a week ago, she told me that they had not gotten all the cancer and that it had spread to other areas of her body, I had already heard this from my aunt and my cousin, both of whom were kind enough to give me some details. I didn't know what else to say to her. I know the chances of her beating cancer at her age are significantly lower than someone younger, I know that she is a very independent person who has told me time and again that she does not want to spend her final years as an invalid, so from that moment in February when she told me about the tumor, I began to pray, I pray that my grandmother is able to enjoy some independence for the rest of her life. I pray that if the cancer is the reason for her death, that she will not spend a long time in agonizing pain. I praise the Lord that I am blessed with a beautiful and courageous woman as my grandmother, one that I was able to learn from and socialize with through my life, even though I was not able to live down the street from her. I praise the Lord for the knowledge that death is not the end, but only a pause until we are together again in Heaven where we can enjoy each other's company without the stresses and strains of daily life. Oh, but back to avoidance, I am feeling mentally prepared for bad news, but there are yet some hurdles for me to jump, because I haven't picked up the phone again to call and find out how she is. My cousin posted on her blog that my grandmother may have as little as three months to live, but because I am still a little afraid of the tears that will come with the confirmation of that, I have not picked up the phone or sent an e-mail to understand that statement further. Perhaps it is because it is enough for me to know that my once weekly, and lately monthly, phone calls will no longer be answered, perhaps it is because I don't know how to put into words what I feel. It is different for me than it is for the rest of my mother's family, I'm sure, I have been disconnected from the flock for most of my life, and try as I might to rejoin, I've been unable to do so. How to overcome this block I have in my mind, I'm pondering this, eventually I will come to an answer, hopefully before the opportunity has passed.