Accountability

In reflecting on my life and how to improve those things which I want to improve upon, I've realized that it has been a very long time since I was accountable to someone. I generally make my rules up as I go along, make little promises along the way and those I do make to myself and to others, while I have the best of intentions, I am pretty bad at following through on. So, in saying that and in considering my rediscovered faith and dedication in living my life the way God has planned, I am accountable to Him. Well, I need a little, erm, maybe a lot of help, and I've been thinking that I'm probably not the only one. SO, on Sunday morning I woke up in a panic, well Syd starts baseball next Saturday and it was raining on Sunday after the snow had mostly melted and the baseball gear was, well where else, in the back yard under the melted snow and now it was getting even wetter. Accountability, I had not followed through when Syd said she was going out to get her stuff a week ago. So out I went, I found a ball and a bat. Here comes Al, he says, what about the gloves, so he finds one wet glove, it is getting dryer as the week goes by, and Syd comes home, and finds the bag and the other glove, so now they are drying. I really hope I don't have to replace that stuff, it isn't free after all.
Back to the subject here, now this is just one of the MANY available examples of how not following through is costly. So, I realized that I've pretty much been moving through life with very little idea of what direction I'm headed on a daily basis. Ever try to get to a new destination without a map, not too easy. So, I began by laying out some goals for Sunday, I accomplished a few, and a few are still in progress.

• Clean Sydney's room Getting there
• Clean Brooklyn's room Done
• Finish homework Done
• The list goes on, but I'll stop here I suppose, it's just a bunch of boring stuff, point is that I accomplished about half.

So I'll keep trying, I recall my cousin asking me once where I wanted to be in 5 years. The answer was "Walking Sydney to Kindergarten" Well, I accomplished that, 6 years ago, might be time to work a little harder. So here I go.

It's working

I chose the field of communications in which to pursue my Bachelors Degree because I figured that at the very least it would be interesting and it may improve my ability to develop interpersonal relationships and to understand that I'm not so different from everyone else. It's working, today I met with a new daycare provider, interviewed her and hired her. I was also able to ask a question that I was afraid would make another person uncomfortable and found that the interaction wasn't so hard afterall.

So baby B will go to a home daycare two days a week and Al will get the sleep that he has thus far refused to admit he needs. So we will be putting out more money than we have before, but really the cost is not too over the top and we can afford it.

Nearly March, ALREADY?

Oh well, I forgot that I'd written about going back to counseling. Of course, I can't remember much sometimes. HA, that is actually getting much better. I did finish counseling. I went weekly at first, then bi-weekly, then waited over a month to go to the last session. It helped so very much and I dealt with some old issues and the new ones that were going on with work. Heres what I accomplished between my first appointment and my last.

• Continued to renew my faith in Christ, I am not going to church weekly, not even monthly, but I worship daily through time spent reflecting, time spent praising, and time spent reminding myself that I am loved and BEAUTIFUL and that the Lord walks with me all the time.
• I came to an understanding of my conflicts with the things going on at work and "unhooked" from all the drama
• Because I finally "unhooked" I had the courage to apply for a job that I've been eyeing for 18 months, and I was hired for the job.
• Started the job, and have made numerous new friends.
• Got through CHRISTMAS, THANKSGIVING, and the ANNIVERSARY, without tears of sorrow. This is the first time since becoming an orphan at 18 that I have done this.
• No longer suffering from memory lapses (well nothing out of the ordinary) heartburn, stomach aches, head aches, or days spent at work without speaking.
• Finished three more classes towards my Bachelors in Communications.

Counseling is wonderful, the Lord is wonderful. I am blessed to have a wonderful family, good friends, both new and old, and a good life.

On a sad note, my dear Grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I pray for her to not suffer, that the time she has left is peaceful and that she has more than the two years that are estimated. We hope to be able to visit her at least one last time, but this is in the hands of the Lord.

Counseling, again, maybe I can finish this time

I started seeing a counselor this week. Well I've been to counseling over the last two years, but it was family counseling and counseling for Sydney. This time I went for me because I can't seem to remember anything lately. I sent out an e-mail in October and asked how my friend was on this fine September day. I got out of the car the other day and realized that it had totally slipped my mind that the baby was in the backseat (no danger to the baby, I never left the car and Syd was right there with her too). I can't remember if I've taken my pills, well that's always been a problem, that's why I religiously use a pill minder. When I'm at work, my stomach hurts, I've got heart burn, and I don't talk for the entire 9 hours I'm there some days. Stress, says the doctor, no physical reason to be this way, all bloodwork is normal aside from my sugars being slightly elevated, but that could still be the pregnancy hormones straightening out with my diabetes. I'm not demented he says, great, thanks. So he says go to counseling for stress management tecniques. I agree, a new baby, going to school full time, Sydney getting older, managing both Al's and my chronic illnesses, lots and lots on my plate, but I don't belive it's entirely new to me to have a full (overflowing) plate, most of the women in my family are highly functioning people. So off I go to the counslor for our first session. I think it will help, I feel better already. You know, I wonder if I'll every fully deal with my mother's illness, her life, her death, and its effects on my life and my reactions to stress. I think I have it handled and something sneaks up on me. Here I go again.
Another think I've been doing is recommiting in my faith. My faith in God and my walk as a Christian have led me through some of my darkest days. I've not allowed myself to be as faithful as I was as a child, and I want to be there again. So I'm praying more and reminding myself that in His arms I have nothing to fear.

My own baby story

On July 8th I entered the hospital to begin induction of labor. I went into a small room with my daughter, my Al and my youngest brother to artificially begin the natural child birth process. They placed Citotek (Sp?) on my cervix twice at three hour intervals and hooked me up to the fetal monitors to ensure that Brooklyn was tolerating the process. The first drop in fetal heart rate occurred shortly after the first application of Citotek. A couple of hours went by, but no further signs of distress from Brooklyn, so they applied the second dose, after finding NO progress being made on the labor front. The second dose brought about more signs of fetal distress, through the night a worried nurse continually checked, telling me to sleep, but HA how is one to sleep upon hearing her child's heart rate drop so low and waiting the two minutes which seemed to be an eternity, to hear the heart rate return to normal. Who can sleep wondering if the next time they wake up, the heart beat of that little person will no longer be there? My OB arrived around 7 a.m. the morning of July 9th to check the strip and verify what the nurse felt she was seeking. No more Citotek, as it was endangering the baby, but now they were looking at an IV of pitocen to further the process. Notice it was to further the process, not to speed the process, as apparently starting the IV without the Citotek doing it's job means the first stages of labor would probably take 24 hours to start. So she calls my Perinatologist, who says that it is too dangerous, a Cesarean is the only way to ensure that both of us survive labor. OH, OH, this is my worst fear, this is the one thing that I haven't even explored because I am so terrified of it. I begin to cry, I can't stop crying, this means gaping hole in my abdomen, in a spot that is prone to infection due to the extra weight I carry, this means a major surgery and a long recovery. This means more risk of leaving possibly not one but two daughters motherless as I am. There's no other way though, we'll begin immediately.
In walks the anesthesiologist. Who takes one look at Al and says "Hey How are you?" Al says, "Nice to see you, this is my baby coming!"
Turns out the two knew each other as the Doctor worked his way through medical school at my beloved Fitzgerald's. This is a good omen, I'm still scared of the procedure, but this is a good omen to me, this is lucky.
So they give me some nasty stuff to empty my stomach, I drink it down and they wheel me down the hall through the doors of the surgery suite. Al is to wait until the epidural is done, but after many tries to get the epidural in place have failed, I end up opting for general anesthesia and Al can't come into the room. So I am out for the birth of my little Brooklyn. I wake up at 10:15 in a recovery room, my first thought is, oh good, I'm alive, Sydney still has a mother. I can't talk yet, but I can think and I can hear, and I've heard someone say recently that Brooklyn is fine. It seems forever, but I find a little strength to ask the nurse if the baby is good, she's perfect, no need for NICU or anything, just perfect, she's in the nursery being cared for until I am back in the land of the living. No Al at my side, no brother, no daughter, but I am not afraid or even upset by it, I know they are somewhere near Brooklyn, staring at her and watching like a hawk, because they know that is what I want them to do. I lay there awhile longer, finally I see a little curly head peak around the curtain, eyes red from crying, I say "I'm ok, Syd, I'm ok, how's your sister? Beautiful?" Yep! So now they are going to take me to a room down the hall to recover some more, the next 12 hours are critical apparently, for me and my blood sugars. Ok, so I sleep off and on, and I feel pain in my abdomen, I wonder what it looks like there, it hurts a little, that's for certain. Where is the baby? In the nursery still, they will bring her soon. Finally at 2:10, they bring her in, she was born at 9:11 a.m. and I didn't see her until 2:10 p.m., so strange for me, I couldn't get up and go find her, but Al knew where she was and had check on her numerous times. It may be years before I get all of that time accounted for, but I know that eventually my wonderful Al who says so few words, will trickle out what occurred while I was out of commission. So they bring her in and I hold her for the first time in my arms, she has Al's nose, dark black hair just as soft as Sydney's was, and big beautiful pouty lips. She's 7lbs 5.5 oz and 18 inches long. Such a good baby, loves to be swaddled, sleeps so well. They moved me after 12 hours to the post partum floor. It was a beautiful room with a fake skylight and this big huge window facing east. The first order of business was them making sure I could get up to go to the bathroom. YEP, then they left the IV in my arm overnight to ensure that I could have medication quickly if needed, but it turned out to be unnecessary. I think there was something I was allergic to in the IV or something, my arm was swollen to twice it's size and very stiff until this morning when I took some benydryl. The nurse thought perhaps the IV had infiltrated the vein and some medication was stuck under the skin, but it was swollen and itchy, which is what happens when I find myself in contact with any kind of sulfate.
The doctor came in on Saturday morning to check on me. He said that dependent on how I was feeling I could possibly go home on Sunday, if I met certain mile stones, that was getting up, walking the halls, having a bowel movement and being able to manage my pain with medication. Ok, now I had something to work on throughout the day, so I did. Sunday morning the doctor came in and said you will probably be here two more days, then we can get your sugars managed, I said, "can I go home today?" Oh You want to? YES YES AND YES
So I got to go home on Sunday!
Our first night home was a little rough. I've never been fantastic at making a four ounce Playtex nurser hold two ounces of formula, so she seemed to not have enough to eat or something until I switched to the Gerber bottle in the middle of the night. Then she slept at three hour stretches, which gave me time to rest too. now she's been asleep nearly four hours and it's time to wake her to eat. She's so beautiful, Sydney and I can't stop staring at her!

Here it comes

Ok, some anxiety is kicking in. Just a bit. I know that tonight I will probably spend sleepless and in pain, is that better than awaiting the impending labor and not knowing when it will come. Since my only experience is knowing the day it will start, I don't know, seems to me, since I don't like to be surprised, that this works out just perfectly for me. Brooklyn's bag is packed and next to the door, but I have yet to pack my own. I cleaned out the cupboards and the drawers in my room last night, found papers from over two years ago that Al and I decided we probably didn't need anymore, fortunately the trash barrel was nearly empty and the trash man came this morning! Glad to know that I have until this evening to get things ready for the little bundle, since we still have much to accomplish in our room tonight. The pack and play will double as a bassinet for her first few months. I'm sure that every night in the upcoming week that Al is not home my room will be occupied by not one, but two daughters, as Sydney can't possibly sleep in her own room when there is a tiny person to be looked upon! I'm not too worried about the pain, I am worried a little about a repeat of the infant Sydney's time spent in the NICU. Babies born to diabetic mother's have a hard time adjusting outside the womb. Keep us in your prayers.

Impatient

The tips of my fingers reach out towards the future. I can nearly feel her in my arms, and yet, the time just continues to drag on. I know that the minute she is in my arm, time will begin flying by faster than I want it to, but I'm impatient for that part to begin. Today the perinatologist called to up my insulin by one unit. Um, what is the point of upping it one unit for one day? I drop the dose in half when I've delivered. Then the OB's office calls to change today's appointment to tomorrow so that they can do the NST. Um, again, what is the point of the NST less than 12 hours before I will be monitored at the hospital when labor is induced. Just a way to drag it out for me. I know that all the precautions up the chances of her being healthy when she comes, but it is so very trying.
To add to my frustration, on Saturday I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. They were not run through the insurance, then when they ran them it said I had no insurance. Oh that's something that I wanted to hear five days before I go to the hospital to have the baby! I figure there must be some mistake, but at the same time wonder if I've misunderstood the terms of paying my insurance while I am on FMLA. To add to the torment, it's a holiday weekend and I had to wait three days to call the insurance. A quick call Tuesday morning revealed a glitch in their system which led to many people being denied coverage over the holiday! So I call the pharmacy, they run the prescriptions, one goes through, the other comes back saying that diabetic supplies are not covered on my plan. UHHHH, gee they've been covered for the last two years!! So another call to the insurance, oops we're sorry, we've had a glitch in the system. Two hours to figure this out, convince the pharmacy to run it again, and finally, four days after starting out on the quest to fill the prescriptions, I've got them in my hands.
Ok, all of this is so worth it, to hold the new beautiful baby in my arms, to know that she will bring us all closer as a family. So blessed!