Parenting

I was reminded recently that our children need guidance and depend upon the boundaries that we set for them to feel comfortable. I knew this prior to being told the other night, but it made me feel better about my parenting style. It was also suggested that I make choices for my child without letting her know what is going on and without her input. While I am aware that this parenting style exists, it is not my style nor within my nature to make life altering choices for my child without at least discussing it with her. My daughters input, while not the deciding factor, does have some weight when I am considering the best way to proceed. I was also reminded that at 10, she is still a child, something that I have more of a tendency to forget than to remember due to 10 being the age at which I was asked to care for my younger brothers and take on a lot of responsibility that does not belong on the shoulders of a child. Being reminded of those things, I am reconsidering just which details, if any to share with my daughter regarding her fathers poor choices and the reasons that he has spent the better part of the last three years sitting in the local county jail. She is asking tough questions, like why I don't think he is a safe person for her to go around in a car in, and why I have decided that he will only be allowed to visit her at the house on certain days, and why when he doesn't show up when he says he will and doesn't call that we don't dwell on this fact and we go about our plans without him there and enjoy ourselves anyway. I'm in this tight position, where I have to stand up and be the bad guy to protect my child from a person who very much loves her, but has thus far proven that he is incapable of making decisions that have the welfare of my child in mind. In order to keep the welfare of your child in check you must have control of the situation. He says he would never allow my daughter to be hurt, yet in the next sentence he says he can't control other people's actions. Right, you can't control someone else's actions, but you should be in control of your reactions to them.
Another thought, last night I was with a friend, we took two of her children and my daughter trick or treating, on the way back there was a discussion on the fact that her 7 year old sons room now has posters of the Corona girl, scantily clad of course, the Budwieser girls, again indencently clothed hanging on the wall. She admits that if you didn't know who lived there you would believe that it is a teenage boy and not a 7 year old boy. She says, I had hoped those things would come later, but I have no control over it, people have just given them to him. I held my tounge, but if he were my 7 year old son and it were my friends or boyfriend or what not, and if it were my house, the answer would simply be, to the person giving these items to him, that these items are not appropriate for his age level, and furthermore I refuse to teach my son to objectify women in such a manner.
I'm glad I held my tounge, it would only cause a fight, but why do not more parents choose to be strong and lay down the law rather than to utilize the reasoning I had no control over it, it just happened.

Birth Control

You know, you hear a lot about the teen pregnancy rate being out of control. Some of those teens are looking for unconditional love that they think comes with having a child of their own. Well, I have often thought that any time spent with a child of any age, on a bad day, is great birth control. Take for instance my nearly 10 year old daughter. OH MY, what a bear, if, at 15 I had to spend a week with her, I don't think I'd EVER want to have a child. On the good days though, I wish I had five more just like her.
Today, is one of the bad days, is life going to be one big snotty argument for the next 8 years, oh I really really hope not. Today, the room is a disaster, well every day that is not the day after I've cleaned it the room is a disaster! Par for the course? I suppose so, let me see, how old was I when I finally wanted to keep my room in some reasonable condition? HMMM, around 16 or so I guess, I clearly recall quite a few arguments about a dirty room right around the age Sydney is now. OH, our children our truly our parents revenge.
Ok, so there are really good things about having a nearly 10 year old daughter. Sometimes she says very funny things. Like today, when I was messing around by not using the gas pedal to get up the street to our house, she says "You are aware that if you drive like this tomorrow, we are going to be really late." Or when she does something thoughtful, like fix me a cup of coffee or draw me a pretty picture.
So, the next time you hear of some lonely little teen thinking it is a good idea to go out and get knocked up, tell them that it isn't the sleepless nights that they have to fear during baby hood, it is the day they start to talk back and develop personality.

Found out I'm Normal Today

HA!! For the last year or so I've been a member of a group called motherless daughters, which I joined, because, well...
So today I stumbled on to a site about parentless parents and parentless children, and I could have written the articles that are there, they could be pages from my journal, things I have done for years and thought I was weird. I thought I was weird or that there was something wrong with me because I still miss them so much, but I'm not weird, I'm normal! Ok, well now that I've figured that out, I'll keep on trucking.

Blessings

I was about 10 years old the night my mother sat me down and told me to count my blessings. How she came to this amazing conclusion that I needed to do so, and how she could see that there were so many blessings to rejoice in is amazing to me in looking back. We were living like refugees, my mother having spent all the money my father had left, moved us back to her hometown to live near her family. She and my brothers were secretly staying in a house that was supposed to be vacant, our furniture and all of our possessions piled high throughout the house, I was staying with my grandmother. We were not all under one roof, we did not have a space of our own, she was very depressed, and yet, she told me to stop crying and count my blessings, and I did, they were typical 10 year old blessings, my dog, my mom, my brothers. We had our own apartment shortly after that, but I've never forgotten her sitting down and making me count my blessings, I do it often, I have a rule that I have to come up with at least 10 each time. I've passed that on to my daughter, I make her count her blessings when she is sad, I make her stop and say out loud at least 10 things she has to be thankful for.
I didn't have a perfect childhood, but I was blessed with an amazing mother. Despite her illness she gave me the strength to carry on, the power to love through pain, the power to find something to be thankful for even when the days are dark. She passed on a thirst for knowledge that is never quenched an appreciation for music, and faith in God. I wish that I had been able to appreciate her when I was 18, but 18 is a hard time and we girls don't always appreciate their mothers until later. Even through her death she taught me something, I know that although Sydney and I will have our hard times, she will one day, say like 20 years from now, not find me so annoying and embarrassing.
I've been angry with Mom for a lot of years for leaving me, I've been angry that she isn't here to rally me on and to hold my hand when life is hard, but I forgive you Mom, I forgive you and I love you and I know that although you are not here physically, you are here in spirit.

Remembering to stop and admire the view

This weekend is the Reno Balloon races. An annual even which by chance was the occasion 12 years ago that first brought me into Reno. Leaving my Grandfather's house in Colfax one night and stopping for a few hours sleep at my Aunt's house in Truckee, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep, stumbled to my Uncle's friend's car, and was driven to Reno, where we parked on a hillside, just in time to see the glow show. The glow show begins at 5 a.m. and a formation of four or five balloons light the dark sky in coordination with music, and then at around 5:30 they take off in formation, their beautiful colors only visible against the dark sky as they release gas into the burners to rise in the air. Oh what a beautiful sight, one that has stuck with me through all these years, yet I've never managed to pull my bum out of bed and get down there to see it again. 4 a.m. is quite early, especially on a weekend when I would normally sleep until 8. Last year we almost made it, but it was daylight before we got to the field, this year though, we left the house by 4:45, sat in traffic just a mile from the field, and we were able to get to the field just as the dawn patrol began to light up the sky. There were tears in my eyes, tears of joy for the absolute beauty that I saw before me. We ventured further onto the field, sitting amongst the other balloonists who were preparing their crafts, we went and explored the booths above, the vendors selling beautifully hand made hot air balloon wind chimes, made of stained glass. It was an absolutely amazing experience to catch just a bit of someone belting out America the Beautiful and to find that suddenly this field, which was reportedly filled with up to 50,000 spectators, fall silent as they all listened and then later to watch as those same 50,000 spectators rose from the blankets and chairs they had been seated in for the last 2-3 hours to recognize our National Anthem and watch as planes from the Stead Air Field flew in the missing man formation in tribute to those lost 8 years ago in the 9/11 attacks. The morning grew more amazing as we laid directly under the mass ascension of the 100 or more balloons who were there to participate in the event. The tears kept flowing, because it has been a long and dark summer for me, because I've been sad and grouchy, because I haven't felt well due to neglect of my health. I think we all have a tendency to forget to stop and admire the beauty around us, to catch the sunrise, to show our children something amazing, despite their grouchiness at being pulled out of bed to stumble to the van at a very early hour. Peace has returned to my heart, I actually felt it come back to me today.

The way the world changes

Last fall when we had our first parent teacher conference in the third grade, I was concerned about my daughter having to cope with learning cursive when she hadn't even learned to print neatly. My concerns were quickly put to rest, albeit replace with a bigger one, when I was told that they would no longer teach cursive, as it had become obsolete with increased use of computers. Ok, I looked into it, I researched it, and although initially it was hard to grasp, I can see where that is true, and I'm ok with that. A little sad, but ok. Today I asked about spelling lists, why no Friday tests with a new list on Monday. Oh well, no longer will they be taught through traditional spelling lists, they will learn spelling through phonics study, no spelling homework necessary, all done at school with a focus on a different block each week, I guess spell check works best if you can get close to the sound of the word, right? Again, shock and dismay, confusion and questioning as to whether in the long run this will hurt or help my daughter. Thank heavens for the Internet! So I look up this method, seems that by learning the relationships and rules of word combinations rather than learning and memorizing one word at a time, they will learn more. Well, I can see how that works, but the answer to my question on the way home (am I old or is this crazy?) seems to be that I am old! Get with the new program mom! How am I to help my daughter if I don't know the way she is being taught, my goodness there doesn't seem to be enough time in the world to keep up with the changes and then to do my own school work. Better change majors from Social Work to education, just so I can follow what is going on! Have to think on that, I really believe I'd make an awesome social worker, but I can do one and go back for the other. The call to teaching gets louder and louder. Next semester I will be finished with my general ed credits, I'll have the associates and can make the decision in another few months. Lots to think about!

Life goes on

On Saturday I made a trip to my favorite thrift store, looking for a table to create a small workspace for school, and any other good things I could find. I walked up to the table, which of course I found right away, because when I go searching at this particular store I always find what I want, that's why it is my favorite. I turned, in search of somone to mark the table as sold for me and out of the corner of my eye I saw my mother's head board. First I thought it must be an illusion, I stared accross the room, I knew before I reached it the sound it would make when I opened the cabinet, I knew before I opened the drawer the lining that would be inside. The tears flooded my eyes, that headboard was a part of my life from the time I was four until the night she died next to it. They wanted $150 for it, not an exorbant amount, but more than I should spend for sentimental value when the bedroom set I own is nicer, newer, and bigger. My brother, ever the voice of reason, says "That is not Mom's, it is like Mom's" I choose to believe he is wrong, it is not unheard of to find items from the past at the thrift store, just the other day a man found his mother's entire collection of LP's at the thrift store, identified them by her name and address labels that had been affixed 30 years earlier. He had not seen them in 20 years. He bought all of them, of course.
There is a book by Stephen King, entitled Needful Things, a story about a man who has a second hand shop in which each character finds something that he has long been searching for, the local goodwill is my Needful Things store, but I don't have to make a deal with the devil to retrieve my memories.
In the end I did not buy the headboard, it will go to someone else and become their memory, I bought two bicycles, one for myself and one for Sydney instead, ensuring both my mental health and physical health for the moment. As much as I miss my mother and regret all that was lost to me when she died suddenly, I realize that this is my life and it goes on the way I need it to, not by living in the past but learning from it.

Born to the Breed/Gifts from my mother

Sometimes there was roses

Sometimes there was thorns

But I know you're gonna make it

As sure as you were born

-Judy Collins

Freshman year of high school we were required to take a class called Life Skills. I don't remember much about the content of the class, probably a lot of learning about ourselves and how to deal with life's ups and downs. One of the assignments was to find a song that discribed you. My mother was a musician, so I went home and asked her to pick one for me. She pulled out Judy Collin's Born to the Breed. She said at the time that it was because of my interest in the performing arts, I was very interested in drama and she said that my interest in drama was like her interest in music. Barely three years later she was gone, and I was left with memories. It has been nearly 20 years since she "gave" me this song, but this phrase brings me near tears every time I hear it, it is her pushing me a long, telling me that I can do it. I woke up this morning with it echoing in my head, and I while I don't know if today will be roses or thorns, I know that I can carry through. Thanks Mom!

Who we are

My mother wasn't able to be the parent that I needed, my father died when I was nine. So many others though, picked up where she couldn't, so many others gave me love, taught me to go on, to carry though on what I needed to do. Their lessons became so much a part of me, that it has taken me until now to figure out why I am who I am in spite of or because of, the childhood experiences I had. No one can ever know what another's experiences truly have been, no one can really know how horrid or wonderful another's past was, and I'm beginning to understand that even I do not fully understand where I have been. I recall not wanting the life I had, I recall hating my mother for the disease she had, for not being strong enough to overcome her illness. I detested that she drank dispite warning from the doctor and the perscription bottles not to do so, I still detest alcohol most of the time and rarely partake for this reason. My home does not regularly contain alcohol, where my mother's home had a full bar, my brother's both have much alcohol in their home, they do not over induldge to my knowledge, but they have it in their home. If there is the occasional bottle of wine here it is because a recipie called for it or because someone brought it to share in my home, but it sits.
I believe we are constantly growing and becoming, we are constantly changing and growing, and when we close ourselves off to life's lessons is when we begin to die. I believe that we are the sum of our experiences, that each person who touches our lives affects us in a way that we carry with us, be it negative or positive. I believe that one person can make a difference, and I have been blessed with so many people touching my life to make a difference to me. I thank the Lord for the people He has had the wisdom to put in my life, I trust that should I be in need, He will carry me through the tough times.
Thank you, thank you, to all those who saw a girl who needed guidance and tried to help. I'm making it, even though I'm having a rough time right now, I'm making it.
Today I was awarded staff of the quarter for the work in recognition of the work I have done in the last three months, I am so proud of myself, and have only the sky as my limit!

Just say it

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your
head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off
instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say

-John Mayer

I often wonder how much better off we would be if we would just say what we need to say rather than keeping it all inside and never telling others how we feel and what they mean to us. So many friendships seem to drift away, that best, most dearest friend that we couldn't live without as children and teens, has become a picture on facebook and an occasional quote. The family member who you grew up with, who led you through some tough and confusing times, an occasional e-mail aquaintance. I think we all have them, we may wonder what we've done to push them so far away and we may wonder how to get back to knowing and understanding them on the level we used to. We might be surprised to learn that they weren't the people we thought they were before. That friend who we've talked to for hours may one day tell you something so out of character you begin to question just what exactly you really know about them, is this really the person you thought it was, or someone entirely different. Is that friend suffering some internal crisis over a loss that all of us eventually go through and none of us want to see? How do you start to tell a friend that your respect for them has fallen off, or that you think they are messing up their life in an enormous way? I wish all of us, myself included, could just say what we need to say and work on healing rather than carrying our pain with us until we are able to dump it upon a counselor or other mental health professional, or barring that just implode.

Tell those who are important to you just what they are to you, just what they mean, love without fear of being hurt.

Reaching out

Ok, so I finally reached out and told my brother what was going on. Needed some advice, and if I want truth, painfully honest truth, I go to my brother. So, he says, "Calm down, I cant understand you when you're crying" Ok, so whats wrong, so I tell him, he says, get a second job (quite honestly I've never held two jobs and it scares the hell out of me). I can't, I'm going to school, I have Sydney, what to do? Well, he says, "Maybe you need to put school aside for awhile and get out of this mess first" We will watch Sydney a couple nights a week if you need us to, and you can work if Al hasn't found another job. Quite frankly, I don't think he as been looking very hard, which really pisses me off since he said he would take care of everything and I didn't have to worry. YEAH RIGHT!!! HAHAHAHAHA~~ So now that I have digested this brutal honesty, from he who has never worked two jobs before but has also not over extended himself to the point of needing to, I've applied for a second job, and I will apply for more. Sydney is now old enough to understand the necessity of working two jobs, and if I have to, I'll just not sleep for a really long time and keep going to school anyway. Yeah, that's it, not like no one else has ever done it, I can do it, I'm gonna quit whining. I'll go to fast food or some customer service job, because I'm good at it, and it's like a no brainer for me, and I can sock away the money, pour it into the bills, get them paid off and then maybe be able to do something like not worry about it. I'll finish school, I am going to finish school, oh yes, but brother is right, got to get out of this mess first.

Digging out

So, financially we are in a giant ditch. Oh more like a crater has opened and swallowed us. Are we done falling? We are certainly done digging. So now we are trying to climb out and fill in the hole behind us, so the bills are not done coming in from the surgery, and we are no where near done with the doctor's follow up visits. We applied for assistance, because a friend had to buy us groceries. We don't qualify for assistance, we make too much for them to even take into consideration the medical costs. We only make a little more than the allowable level, but still it's over and they won't look at us. We quit smoking, because obviously if we have to have someone buy us groceries, the whopping $302 per month we were spending on ciggarettes is totally uncalled for. We put ourselves in this hole last year when we bought the new car, then the jobs went south and we were making over $20,000 less than we were last July. Same boat a lot of folks are in, we are dodging phone calls, can't figure out what to do. Thankful the rent is paid for another month, all the basic necessities are paid, except for the GIGANTIC car registration which was due last week, oh and the ability to buy food for ourselves. Just praying, trying to hold it together. No one around the house is listening, busy staring at the television instead. That is making things so much better!

Random

Lots of reasons to ponder life and death around lately, too many really, don't like to think of it, but sometimes I have to remember that today we are here, tomorrow we may be gone and we need to keep going, keep being thankful, keep living, for every breath.

The daughter had her cast removed on Thursday, she's really happy to have it off. Getting easier to walk on it every day, still wearing a walking boot, but sometimes she is willing to walk without it. Have to be careful, the strength has to be regained in that leg, but she is working realy hard to do that.

The boyfriend, he's an angel sent from heaven to watch over me. With the deaths of those the same age as he, he is thinking about his health and getting out there and walking again for exercise.

Well, more swimming and working tomorrow, down 45 pounds from last May, its amazing how much better my mind feels!

Thats it for now, just random thoughts filling my head!

I DID IT

I raised my GPA and made satisfactory progress in school. I not only completed all my classes, but passed them with flying colors. I did well enough to no longer be on accademic probation, I still have to be on financial aid probation because they toughened up the guidelines, but I'm getting there, and I get to go to school over the summer and get even closer. Maybe silly to be so happy, but it's been a long long road for me and I haven't done well in school since before I moved to Reno, so for me, I am very proud, very happy and just want to keep going and moving forward.

On the daughter front, tonight she and a friend played in the mud, which would not normally be a problem, but the splint got very muddy, along with the wheelchair, the pads for said wheel chair, the child, the front porch, and anything else around. I know that she is bored, and not able to do much but sit in the chair or attempt to wander around on the crutches. I'm glad that she is trying to think of something to do besides sit in front of the television, but the mess on the porch was the last thing I wanted to deal with after work today. AH well, sounds like life.

I'm thankful that she broke her leg and not her head, I'm thankful that she is trying to get through with minimum complaining about being hot and itchy and uncomfortable. I'm thankful that I won the helmet war before this happened and I'm thankful that my brother had made sure that the helmet was properly adjusted for her head. I'm thankful that she is healthy other than a broken leg and I continue to hold onto my faith that she will heal correctly and be just fine.
Life's an adventure, I'm enjoying the ride.

Happy Birthday to my father.

After Surgery

She made it through, we will know two weeks from now how the healing is going. For now, it is painful, she sleeps a lot, and she is driving me NUTS with the dumb TV shows. She's camped out on the couch for now, my living room is beginning to look like her bedroom did before I attacked it tonight. She's moving back in there whether she likes it or not!!!! I didn't know I had the strength to get her in and out of the bath tub, or to repeatedly lift her in and out of the car, she helps a bit of course, but not as much as she could, we are learning together how to do this!
Tomorrow I go back to work for the first time after her surgery. She will go back to school Monday, and hopefully we will get back to normal.
I took my final for math today, got a 90%, so off to summer school for the next class. Tonight I'll write my two finals for the other classes and then I'm done with Spring semester. First semester that I have completed since Fall 05, YAY ME! Keep Sydney in your prayers, pray for fast healing and for Mommy not to loose her patience too much.

Did You Know? Or Adventures in Parenting an ACCIDENT PRONE daughter!

Did you know that there is now an x-ray machine on which an x-ray can be transmitted to a doctor via the Internet? Did you know that a child can break her ankle ten minutes after she says "Mom, I'm going to ride my bike" Did you know that there are growth plates in the ankle? I did not know any of this until last night! Crash course in radiology!
Sydney left the house yesterday night to ride her bike. Ten minutes later the kids from around the corner were running to the house "Sydney fell!" I walk down there, hear her crying before I even round the corner. Three adults holding her up, can't bear weight on her left leg. OH (four letter word, rhymes with MUCK, I was doing so well not cussing too!) Call home on someones cell phone, I'll need the car, no answer, no answer. I run back to the house, leaving my daughter, crying, on the curb with ice on her leg. Ah, here is why there's no answer in the house, Al is standing outside to see what's happened. "GET THE CAR, GET THE CAR NOW!" We pull up and load bike and kid into the car, get home, look at leg, can you wiggle your toes? Yes, can you move your ankle? NO! Ok, can you move the other ankle, yep, black and blue, not 20 minutes after falling, hmm, can't be too good, take her to the hospital, after two broken arms and surgery required for each one, I've learned something. Yelling that word in the house, over and over, looking for shoes, for keys, for phone, call her father, drive to the emergency room. Get to said emergency, taken into urgent care. Wait for an eternity, they x-ray with the coolest machine I've ever seen, they didn't have this machine two years ago when she broke her arms. I don't see a break in the picture, they come back and say they need a lower picture, looks like the break is in the ankle, they do another x-ray, the bone doctor who happens to be in the ER says to do a CT scan. YAHHOOO, I've now officially met my deductible! No one can read the CT scan by the time it's done, the doctor has left. Ok, so they give her Tylenol with codeine twice, take her vital signs twice, splint the leg, and off we go, the kid on crutches, her crying because of the pain. Get her home, get NO sleep, go to work, get little done, go home early, go to the orthopaedists office, find out how bad the break is. DID you know that if a child breaks the bone at the growth plate they have to put screws in to line it up? Did you know that the screws will stay in there? Did you know that you can go to the doctor on Friday and they do surgery on Monday. Pray for her Monday, pray for her surgery to go well, pray the doc knows what he's doing, and guide his hands to steady completion of the surgery.

Mobile Daughter

When my Sydney was 6 I bought her a bicycle. I got a bike for myself too, so that once she knew how to ride I could go for rides with her. It was going to be fantastic, exciting, we'd go on adventures together. We went out and kept trying to get her to learn to ride the bike, she would fall, say I pushed her off, and then wouldn't get on it again. Over the last three and a half years I have tried time and again to get her to ride that bike, but to no avail. Last year I gave up on the idea of long family bike rides and gave my mountain bike away to someone who would use it. I didn't like the bike anyway, I'd rather have a beach cruiser. So yesterday I was in the thrift store, and I saw an old Huffy bike sitting there, it was $4, no visible damage, ugly as sin, pink and purple, puffy little seat, so on a whim I had her sit on it, perfect fit, I bought it, an old helmet, and I took the bike to the gas station for some air in the tires. We went to a baseball game last night, she took the bike with her. The bike is tall enough for me to hold a handle bar while she rides. She was insistent that she could not do it on her own. So I helped her, until my arm was tired and I got to playing with my former neighbor's two year old while they coached the ball game of the 7 year old. We were going to the car for a sweater, Sydney insistent that I help her, me telling her I didn't have a hand to help her with, so then suddenly off she went, she was riding the two wheeler, BY HERSELF, tears in my eyes as she sped past me, baby and I jumping up and down cheering Sidy on, OH OH OH. So, she is mobile now, first a little bike, then a bigger bike, then only 7 years from now, a drivers license. This is the hard part, I know, I've said it before, this is the hard part though, letting her go bit by bit, my baby girl.

FRUSTRATED

Ok, so over the last four years, I haven't been the best student. I've had some health problems and some other family problems come up that I've let get in the way of getting the best possible grades. One semester I completed my classes, but the grades were really bad because I couldn't focus on the finals with some things that were going on with Al. Then there was the Fall '07 semester when I dropped all three of my classes because Sydney needed me home more than I needed to be in class three nights a week. So not the best track record. I repaid the debt to financial aid by paying for and passing the classes that I had gotten financial aid for and failed to complete the course work for. I filed an appeal for financial aid and had it approved. I signed up for summer classes and filed for financial aid again, they said I needed an appeal, so I filed the appeal, only to get a letter on Friday informing me that since I had met the terms of my appeal I didn't need to file an additional appeal. Today, I receive a letter that says I need to file and appeal and have been denied for financial aid???? Ok, sound confusing yet? Last semester, when I filed the appeal they asked for a letter from my 9 year old to back up that I was needed at home. UMMMM??? Then I provided them with a letter from her psychologist, which they then told me they lost, so I went home, got the copies and was all ready to fax them back when I received a call that said they found the letter and other items I submitted. If this was only a recent problem I could understand, but every semester before this, I've had to call and remind them that they should take the hold off of my account that was on there due to having to prove that I was a ward of the court, that my parents are dead. Well, part of the reason I waited this long to go to school here was because after age 25 I no longer had to prove that they were not living in order to not provide their income, so I didn't need to provide a ward of the court waiver. EVERY SEMESTER FOR THREE YEARS!!! I am frustrated beyond belief. I am almost done, five more classes and I don't have to deal with them again, I get to deal with a new financial aid office. I know, I know, a lot of you have paid for your classes yourselves, you didn't have the luxury of qualifying for financial aid, and I should be thankful that I am not paying for this myself yet. I am just frustrated because how smucking hard is it, how hard is it to keep track of papers, how hard is it to put them in a file with my smucking name on it and NOT loose them. I do it in my office every day for 600 active students, I do it for 20 students a week who are separating and I keep track of every piece of paper that crosses my desk as do the four other people I work with in my office, so why can't these people do their job the way I do mine, CORRECTLY??? So, I suppose for the sake of the good I can achieve with the right degree, I'll continue on like a circus animal and jump through the hoops, with a little steam blowing in the process.

Strange

I've just finished a book by Inga Muscio, C--t, A Declaration of Independence. I was afraid to ask for it at the book store when I had to buy it for my Women's Studies class. I was afraid to start the book, but being as I am loud, obnoxious and outspoken most of the time, I chose this title over the alternative, which I can't recall right now. It has freed my thinking, it has allowed me to explore a part of me that I have kept deeply hidden. I suggest it to anyone who wishes to free themselves.

Sunday's news brought plenty of tragedy, both personal and in the world. Personally I found out on Sunday afternoon that my dear dear sister-in-law had lost her beloved mother. Her mother was an amazing person that I missed the opportunity to get to know very well, but what I do know of her I greatly admire. On Sunday, God gained an angel. On the news I saw where 14 had perished in a small airplane crash in Montana. This morning I read the list of those killed. One listed was Sydney, age 9. It brought sadness to my heart to think that the world is less one 9 year old Sydney, I am blessed to have mine in my life daily, for all her quirks, annoying habits and learning experiences. A relatives blog today spoke out about the wonder of 9 year olds. She pointed out that my darling baby is halfway out my door. Oh, how I am aware of this, daily I am reminded of how much she grows, how she matures, how much she has to learn and how much more there is to teach.

Today there seems to be a curse on all things water in our house! This morning I got up and found the water container in our refrigerator was leaking, oh, perhaps I did not tighten the spout, so I proceed to pull the container from the shelf, and become covered in WATER. Nearly a gallon of water, on my slippers, on the floor, and all over the refrigerator. The lid was loose as well as the spout. So I clean that up, then have my coffee. I go to take a shower, flush the toilet, turn to get clothes out of the closet and hear spilling. I turn, of course the toilet is gushing water everywhere. I grab the plunger, reverse the flow, mop the gallons I've wasted off the floor, wash the towels, wash the floor. Then I arrive 5 minutes late for work, because of my misadventures at home, to discover that despite the many lessons of the morning I have neglected to tighten my lid on my water bottle and the water is now spilt in my bag. AARRGH. So do I think the spills have stopped? No, the next spill is the waste toner cartridge, black dust EVERYWHERE. At least it wasn't wet, although quite messy! Home after work, and the daughter is getting water for the cat, the water of course, ends up where? So another round with the mop, and hopefully the rest of the night will be dry!
Tomorrow is another day, give thanks for the people in your life, the blessings, disguised as annoyances and the opportunity to go at it again tomorrow!

Handwriting, the forgotten art?

I am very proud of my handwriting. I love the look of a handwritten letter, I still love to receive them. I push my daughter to improve her printing, to make sure that she can be understood. I was so excited for her to start the third grade, CURSIVE, oh she would learn cursive this year. Alas, I asked the teacher about when they would begin handwriting, I was told that they would no longer teach it to the third grade, it was unimportant!!!! Tonight, I told my daughter she needed to work harder on her printing, to practice by doing her work, she said "That's what technology is for mom, why do I need to improve my handwriting, it is good enough."
ARGHHHHHHH...I disagree, I strongly disagree. I will teach her cursive this summer, she will learn and use it, I don't agree with the teachers and I don't agree with the ever increasing dependence on word processing programs. Spell check is not always dependable, their, there, they're, all are spelled correctly, and yet using the wrong one will give you very different meanings, and the spell check won't catch it. The grammar check will though, maybe, if you haven't used the wrong form of the word in a sentence where it would fit. What about filling out applications, oh most of them are online now, the importance of hand writing goes to the wayside. I see people through my work who have little competence when it comes putting pen to paper. Very few have the handwriting skills to fill out a form, let alone sign their names. I had a hard time on Friday when I came upon an illiterate student who could not even sign his own name, it was sad.
A long time ago I noticed that to raise my daughter with the values I think should be passed on to her in this area, in this time period, it would be very hard. It is like pounding my head against the wall some days. She doesn't want to work, she says the other kids don't work so hard so why should she. Is it the area I live in, or the state of the world? I don't know.
Maybe I am wrong, but it seems that handwriting is the lost art, or at least the act of putting pen to paper is perhaps out of date. Maybe I am the only person who still does it, it's been a really long time since I last received a letter that wasn't e-mail or typed through the post office. Maybe I am in the wrong time period.

Grandpa, Family

A few years ago my Grandpa asked to see "all Jim's kids at once." So today we made the nearly 95 year old man's wish come true. It took years to coordinate, it seems that when we can all get together, we don't have a car all of us can fit in, if we have a car we can all fit in, we don't have time off together to go. Anyway, today it worked, today one brother took the day off of work, the other brother was on vacation, I was off. So the plan was to get Grandpa to tell stories and to record him, but the recording didn't take place.
It was wonderful to be with him, wonderful to spend time all together. It has been many years since we were all there together. One of us, two of us, maybe my brother's kids and his wife and me, but today all of us were there, it felt different than when the three of us are together with our significant other's, I can't describe it, I don't know the words to say, but it felt right. Perhaps because today we weren't children, today he saw us as the adults he has helped us to become. Today I saw his pride in us, his satisfaction that we are all happy and healthy despite the trials we had to overcome in the past, perhaps he saw that although his eldest son died too young, his legacy lives on and will continue to do so.

9 year old logic

So last night Sydney is outside riding her scooter, enjoying the warm weather. So I've told her, wear your helmet, it will save your head if you fall. What is her answer??? "I don't fall mom" Ok, um, wear your helmet anyway. So she goes outside with the helmet in hand, doesn't put it on her head (OF COURSE SHE'S INDESTRUCTABLE AND MOM IS OLD) and proceeds to go to the top of the hill. Rides down the hill on her scooter, runs over her perpetually untied shoe lace (Thats the style now mom, its cool not to tie your shoes) and does a face plant into the pavement. Ok, I'm not saying that this is anything new for the 9 year old logic. For me it was a very cool pink Huffy bike that I was expressly forbidden to do pop a wheelies on. I didn't stop doing the pop a wheelies until after the 6 stiches in my chin. Did my parents show sympathy after the initial stitches, um nope, dad said, "were you doing pop a wheelies?" Yep, dad also said, "You're not the only one who doesn't listen" and showed me the scar in his chin, and pointed out the scar over my younger brother's eye, where he had ignored the rule of seatbelts in the back of the van and fallen into the refrigerator. So, what do we see here class??? The 9 year old mind does not have much good logic in it when it comes to risk. As I walked towards my screetching daughter yesterday I remained calm, the neighbor's sitter who was already with Sydney probably thought I was kind of heartless, I wasn't running toward her, since she was screaming her head off, I knew she might hurt, might be scared, but wasn't damaged forever. Sure enough, she has a good fat lip and a nice scratch on her chest, no loose teeth, no chips, no bitten off tounge and no missing digits. Did she tie her shoes after this incident, no, it still isn't cool. Did she say she would wear her helmet next time, no, it is dorky looking and no one else wears one. ARRRGHHH, childhood is an adventure, for ALL INVOLVED!

So much on my mind

I started back to school this semester after taking over a year off. I am enjoying the classes and wish there was a way to speed forward and finish my AA already. 5 more classes to go, then off to the university. So three classes this semester is a lot more than I really though it would be. What was I thinking. Work is fine, easy, good, doesn't pay much, but provides for the family and does good for the future of the world. Daughter's father decided to go back to jail this month. So we have gone back to counseling for the daughter. Good to have the tools we need to help her. My brother's mother-in-law is dying of cancer, so I start thinking about people dying again, hence getting myself all dark thinking again. Then I'm thinking about how the daughter is growing so quickly, becoming so independent and seeming like she doesn't need me much anymore. About how badly I want another baby, but I don't think one is forthcoming. I've got to get out of this dark space and look at the good I guess.