Soon and 15 years later

SOON...
In two days I begin my final semester of working toward my Associates Degree. It was my first little goal when I was 18 and starting college. So now nearly 15 years later, I have accomplished it. Will I go on, most likely, but not right away because another dream is coming true this summer. The baby that I've wanted for years is on the way.

15 Years Later...
Also on Monday is the 15th anniversary of my mother's death. I can't believe that 15 years has passed. Last year the anniversary meant that my youngest brother had lived as long with my mother as he had without, this year that becomes true for my next youngest brother. Three years later it will be true for me. I feel strange to think that I've spent nearly half my life without the person who brought me into the world. I miss her, mostly these days when I see a grandma with her granddaughter, I wish my daughter had that with my mother. She is fortunate to have a loving relationship with her paternal grandmother, but she lives far away and we don't get to see her often enough. I can't believe that I've been in Reno for nearly 13 of those years, I left so much behind me when I came over the summit to live all those years ago, and I only meant to come for half a year, maybe a year at the most. I can't believe that the person I stayed for has become someone that I don't recognize anymore. How does life change so much?

I have done a lot of forgiving in the last 15 years, a lot of learning to love myself and to have faith in my ability to be someone separate from my mother. I love you Mom, I miss you, and I hope you are at peace.

New Year

It's been two months since I posted here. I've been exhausted! So much so that I haven't wanted to do much. I thought it was depression due to the upcoming holiday, but the mood swings and the fatigue was a lot, even for me! I get bummed around the holidays, I always to get down, mainly because the holidays usually sucked for me when I was younger and I just don't get excited by them. Lots of stress, pressure to buy buy buy, and that just drives me bonkers, usually though, I can beat that, I cook and clean and decorate to excess and then I go to church and enjoy myself. Thanksgiving came, in the weeks leading up to it, I didn't want to do ANYTHING. I didn't want to socialize with my family, I didn't want to put together Sydney's 10th birthday party, I was run down and crying over EVERYTHING. The party went off for her 10th birthday, that was great, both my brothers pitched in to help me carry it off, I stood up to my ex and told him that this was my family party and my celebration with her and he would have to celebrate on his own with her, I explained it to Syd and she understood, we had a great time. I made my first homemade lasagna, one of which I made with no meat, mental note, drain and thaw any frozen veggies before cooking, that was my only complaint, too watery, but still good.
The following week we had Thanksgiving at my brother's house. I sat through the meal crying. Usually Thanksgiving is my favorite, I love to get together with everyone, but this time, I just balled and balled. Drove home and thought about it. Um, menstrual cycle is very late, hmmmmm. So I went out for the pregnancy test, not thinking much of it, as I've been irregular the last few years, the doctors said it was a combination of the diabetes, the thyroid disorder, smoking and being overweight. So I wasn't getting my hopes up. The test was positive. On Sydney's 10th birthday I discovered that I am pregnant with my second child, Al's first child. I am 33 and Al is 51. We are excited at the prospect of bringing a new life into the world and adding to our family, we are nervous at the fact that Al is becoming a father when most of the people we know his age are becoming grandparents. Lots of doctors appointments, tests and ultrasounds between now and July. I was able to get an appointment with an OB right away, and confirmed the pregnancy was a viable one. I go on Tuesday to a specialist, who will verify that the pregnancy is continuing to progress normally and then on Wednesday back to the OB. Still taking the same medications that I was taking for the diabetes, they say that it has been found to be safe for pregnant women, that was one of my biggest concerns because when I developed gestational diabetes with Sydney, I was only able to take insulin. I have a feeling that I will be given a fast acting insulin in addition to my long acting one, because no matter how careful I am the sugars shoot up and stay up after meals. Fasting sugars have been higher than I like as well and I know they are higher than was recommended when I was pregnant with Sydney, but not outrageously so.
To add to the excitement, the day after we found out about the impending baby, we watched the bank take back our car. We knew that was coming, we had tried to work with them and to get them to work with us, but we weren't able to make the payments they required and they weren't able or willing to come down on the payments to where we were able to manage them. So for two weeks we took the bus, I think it brought is closer as a family, and reminded us that it was not the end of the world to loose the car. A blessing of a surprise bonus from work just before the holiday allowed us to be able to purchase a car more suited to our means. Unfortunately we found the car to have some problems after purchasing it and we have to cover the cost of some repairs, but the guy is working with us so we can make payments on the repairs. The car is back in the driveway and working fine, so we are happy with it.
Tomorrow Syd goes back to school, I get to resume taking her to school in the morning, and she can return to tutoring in the afternoons. YEAH!! Things are resuming a normal pace around here, and Sydney is very excited to become a big sister. Al said he didn't want to know the gender of the baby, but I told him that I just can't wait to find out. So as soon as it is possible we will find out. I am looking forward to this baby, as I am in a much better place, both emotionally and physically than I was when I had Sydney.