Missing You

Today, as happens quite often, Sydney was hesitant to give me a kiss goodbye when I dropped her off at school. She eyed the other two kids being dropped off and patted my cheek and said, "Goodbye Mommy."

I said, "You will only be young once, and those kids will not always be around, give me a kiss."

So she did.

I thought about this on the way to work. I recalled the one and only time that I remember being chastised for kissing my mother goodbye. I was older than Sydney though, by about four years. She was dropping me off at middle school, and as the new kid that year, they made fun of me for everything. I do remember telling them, "of course I kiss my mother."

It did change the way I said goodbye to her in public though. I started thinking that had I known that I had only a few years past that day to kiss her goodbye, I would have kissed her every day, no matter who was watching. I can't tell Sydney that though, because I treasure the fact that she doesn't realize how quickly life can change, how one instant everything is just peachy and the next it isn't. I am happy that my daughter is having the childhood that I sped through in hopes of helping my mother raise our family.

I could hear my mother today, surrounding me with her laughter, with her joy. She had an incredible amount of joy to share when she was well. She had so much to share, so much to give, so much to teach. I could hear her telling me that although she is gone, she has never left.

I think I miss her more lately because I am bringing another daughter to the world. While I have so many people to share this joyous event with, even more that I did when Sydney was born because now I have Sydney to share it with, but I wish she was here to hold my hand.