Here it comes

Ok, some anxiety is kicking in. Just a bit. I know that tonight I will probably spend sleepless and in pain, is that better than awaiting the impending labor and not knowing when it will come. Since my only experience is knowing the day it will start, I don't know, seems to me, since I don't like to be surprised, that this works out just perfectly for me. Brooklyn's bag is packed and next to the door, but I have yet to pack my own. I cleaned out the cupboards and the drawers in my room last night, found papers from over two years ago that Al and I decided we probably didn't need anymore, fortunately the trash barrel was nearly empty and the trash man came this morning! Glad to know that I have until this evening to get things ready for the little bundle, since we still have much to accomplish in our room tonight. The pack and play will double as a bassinet for her first few months. I'm sure that every night in the upcoming week that Al is not home my room will be occupied by not one, but two daughters, as Sydney can't possibly sleep in her own room when there is a tiny person to be looked upon! I'm not too worried about the pain, I am worried a little about a repeat of the infant Sydney's time spent in the NICU. Babies born to diabetic mother's have a hard time adjusting outside the womb. Keep us in your prayers.

Impatient

The tips of my fingers reach out towards the future. I can nearly feel her in my arms, and yet, the time just continues to drag on. I know that the minute she is in my arm, time will begin flying by faster than I want it to, but I'm impatient for that part to begin. Today the perinatologist called to up my insulin by one unit. Um, what is the point of upping it one unit for one day? I drop the dose in half when I've delivered. Then the OB's office calls to change today's appointment to tomorrow so that they can do the NST. Um, again, what is the point of the NST less than 12 hours before I will be monitored at the hospital when labor is induced. Just a way to drag it out for me. I know that all the precautions up the chances of her being healthy when she comes, but it is so very trying.
To add to my frustration, on Saturday I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. They were not run through the insurance, then when they ran them it said I had no insurance. Oh that's something that I wanted to hear five days before I go to the hospital to have the baby! I figure there must be some mistake, but at the same time wonder if I've misunderstood the terms of paying my insurance while I am on FMLA. To add to the torment, it's a holiday weekend and I had to wait three days to call the insurance. A quick call Tuesday morning revealed a glitch in their system which led to many people being denied coverage over the holiday! So I call the pharmacy, they run the prescriptions, one goes through, the other comes back saying that diabetic supplies are not covered on my plan. UHHHH, gee they've been covered for the last two years!! So another call to the insurance, oops we're sorry, we've had a glitch in the system. Two hours to figure this out, convince the pharmacy to run it again, and finally, four days after starting out on the quest to fill the prescriptions, I've got them in my hands.
Ok, all of this is so worth it, to hold the new beautiful baby in my arms, to know that she will bring us all closer as a family. So blessed!

Change

The house is pretty quiet right now. Sydney is munching on some popcorn and watching some Disney Channel show. I'm surfing the web, enjoying the air conditioner, which I finally learned how to control the temperature on without freezing. Guess I should have read the instructions when we bought it. Spencer is hanging out by the back door, hoping someone will open it for him after having spent the day sleeping in the as yet unoccupied nursery. Al is sleeping peacefully, undisturbed. Two days from now I'll enter the hospital, mother of one. Al will go with me, about to experience a change that I think he can't yet fathom. Sydney and Jon will accompany us, to await Brooklyn's arrival. I think that even having been a mother for the last ten and a half years I've forgotten just what kind of change the birth of a new baby brings. Two days from now, the peace and quiet in the mid afternoon will be replaced by needed feedings, changing, cuddling and rocking. The silence will be pierced by the cries of our new little addition. We are all holding our breath in anticipation, this day can't arrive quickly enough. She'll come into a home full of love and laughter, a home that is full of unconditional love, patience and understanding of every one's individual needs. The peace I feel about that is indescribable. I believe there are very few people who can understand just how different this atmosphere is from the one that I brought Sydney home to. I am so blessed to have my family, I am so blessed to have a second chance and I am so very blessed to have my Sydney and our Alfred at my side to experience this with me.

A baby

This daughter growing within me is quite amazing. She's wiggly, wonderful, strong. How can something that weighs only 3.4 pounds kick me so hard that I jump, numerous times? Al says she'll be a good football player, I say she'll be a great swimmer. In any case, she'll be loved enormously and spoiled rotten.

My brother is afraid that the decorations that I've picked out for the nursery will lead to gender confusion. HA, he has apparently forgotten that he has two of the girliest nieces that ever existed.

The time is growing near, but still the next few weeks will drag by.

I've had two non stress tests so far, where I get to listen to her heartbeat and movements for a while. I'll have two each week from here on out. The two of us will be well acquainted when she arrives.

I wonder if she will be bigger than Sydney was, I wonder if she will have those chubby chubby cheeks. I can't wait to see my daughters together, I'm most excited about that and already have the frame that will hold the first picture of both of them together.

Missing You

Today, as happens quite often, Sydney was hesitant to give me a kiss goodbye when I dropped her off at school. She eyed the other two kids being dropped off and patted my cheek and said, "Goodbye Mommy."

I said, "You will only be young once, and those kids will not always be around, give me a kiss."

So she did.

I thought about this on the way to work. I recalled the one and only time that I remember being chastised for kissing my mother goodbye. I was older than Sydney though, by about four years. She was dropping me off at middle school, and as the new kid that year, they made fun of me for everything. I do remember telling them, "of course I kiss my mother."

It did change the way I said goodbye to her in public though. I started thinking that had I known that I had only a few years past that day to kiss her goodbye, I would have kissed her every day, no matter who was watching. I can't tell Sydney that though, because I treasure the fact that she doesn't realize how quickly life can change, how one instant everything is just peachy and the next it isn't. I am happy that my daughter is having the childhood that I sped through in hopes of helping my mother raise our family.

I could hear my mother today, surrounding me with her laughter, with her joy. She had an incredible amount of joy to share when she was well. She had so much to share, so much to give, so much to teach. I could hear her telling me that although she is gone, she has never left.

I think I miss her more lately because I am bringing another daughter to the world. While I have so many people to share this joyous event with, even more that I did when Sydney was born because now I have Sydney to share it with, but I wish she was here to hold my hand.

So very fortunate

Last year I decided that our little family was not family like enough. It happened one day last September, when Sydney said something to Al and he told her she was annoying. I said, that's it, we're going to family counseling. He said, we don't need it, I said yes, we do, we have to all learn how to be a family instead of us against him or he and I and she's feeling like a third wheel. So we went, and Al sat quietly, as Al is prone to do, and said not much...
I thought, maybe this isn't going to work, but I kept it to myself. We followed the suggestions of how to be more of a family, things we should do together, ways for us to be closer and more of a family unit. Well, it's working, a family we have become. An added benefit is that Al and I have become better parents and Sydney has become less afraid to speak her mind and be a contributing member of the family.

Maybe it was like this before between them, maybe the counseling has helped, maybe it was me who needed the counseling to see that we are a family and that I'm doing an ok job as a mom. Maybe I was the problem. Sydney is playing baseball this year. I don't know anything about baseball, except that there's four bases and a bat and glove involved. I don't know how to play, I like to watch the sport, but that's it. Al though, he played little league as a kid, and he knows about it, he knows about the equipment and what is involved and what she needs to do. Even better, Sydney's team is called the Giants, Al's favorite team, which is just tickling Sydney.

To add to the family we've built, with no small effort, we have Brooklyn Isabella on the way. Sydney gets a sister, and Al and I another daughter. When Sydney was born I felt so alone, I was terrified at the prospect of raising a baby because part of me knew that her father wasn't going to be around all that much. I pushed ahead and tried to make it work, tried to make it ok, and it didn't work. The week I was divorced a friend pushed me into going out on a date. Al took me out for a drink. We talked for hours, I felt so comfortable, but at the same time awkward because I'd just gotten divorced.
I am so thankful for that night nearly 5 years ago when I woke up and realized that the person who loved me was across the street. I was right, that person still loves me, more every day. We are about to embark on a new adventure, my little family with the big heart holding us together. Sydney Isa, Brooklyn Isabella and Al and Gina, one little happy family. It feels so wonderful and happy. Thank you Lord, for these Blessings.

Frustrated

If I were not pregnant, my sugars would be considered good control. Since I am pregnant, they want them lower than they are now in the mornings. Solution to the higher sugars in the mornings is to up the bedtime insulin. Ok, I see the logic, and logistically I would think this would work. NOPE, DOESN'T WORK. I am beyond frustrated, because the doctor is talking about hospitalizing me to control what I eat, well guess what, I do control what I eat, I don't eat mindlessly, I follow the dieticians plan to the letter, I take hours in the store because I'm reading the labels, I'm doing EVERYTHING they are telling me to do, including giving my sugars to the doctor twice a week. What, I need to know, is the point, of faxing the doctor on Friday if he does nothing to respond until the following Tuesday? Why do I take the time to tell him that my sugars are higher than he has suggested when he communicates no way for me to do anything about them. The one time I did eat alternatively in a way that I knew would allow my sugars to stay in the range that they should (the issue I am having is that the dieticians suggestion of the number of carbohydrates I'm to eat is far more than I would eat were I not pregnant) the doctor says, "NO Stay on the diet we'll adjust the insulin to the diet" Ok, so in the meantime, while they take their own sweet time figuring things out, my sugars are high, I'm no joy to be around, I'm irritable, sleepy and frustrated. I'm sure those aren't conducive to keeping my blood preassure down, which was an issue in my last pregnancy. This is just all more than I bargined for. Only 23 more weeks, oh that seems like such a very long long time to put up with this mess.