Soon and 15 years later

SOON...
In two days I begin my final semester of working toward my Associates Degree. It was my first little goal when I was 18 and starting college. So now nearly 15 years later, I have accomplished it. Will I go on, most likely, but not right away because another dream is coming true this summer. The baby that I've wanted for years is on the way.

15 Years Later...
Also on Monday is the 15th anniversary of my mother's death. I can't believe that 15 years has passed. Last year the anniversary meant that my youngest brother had lived as long with my mother as he had without, this year that becomes true for my next youngest brother. Three years later it will be true for me. I feel strange to think that I've spent nearly half my life without the person who brought me into the world. I miss her, mostly these days when I see a grandma with her granddaughter, I wish my daughter had that with my mother. She is fortunate to have a loving relationship with her paternal grandmother, but she lives far away and we don't get to see her often enough. I can't believe that I've been in Reno for nearly 13 of those years, I left so much behind me when I came over the summit to live all those years ago, and I only meant to come for half a year, maybe a year at the most. I can't believe that the person I stayed for has become someone that I don't recognize anymore. How does life change so much?

I have done a lot of forgiving in the last 15 years, a lot of learning to love myself and to have faith in my ability to be someone separate from my mother. I love you Mom, I miss you, and I hope you are at peace.

New Year

It's been two months since I posted here. I've been exhausted! So much so that I haven't wanted to do much. I thought it was depression due to the upcoming holiday, but the mood swings and the fatigue was a lot, even for me! I get bummed around the holidays, I always to get down, mainly because the holidays usually sucked for me when I was younger and I just don't get excited by them. Lots of stress, pressure to buy buy buy, and that just drives me bonkers, usually though, I can beat that, I cook and clean and decorate to excess and then I go to church and enjoy myself. Thanksgiving came, in the weeks leading up to it, I didn't want to do ANYTHING. I didn't want to socialize with my family, I didn't want to put together Sydney's 10th birthday party, I was run down and crying over EVERYTHING. The party went off for her 10th birthday, that was great, both my brothers pitched in to help me carry it off, I stood up to my ex and told him that this was my family party and my celebration with her and he would have to celebrate on his own with her, I explained it to Syd and she understood, we had a great time. I made my first homemade lasagna, one of which I made with no meat, mental note, drain and thaw any frozen veggies before cooking, that was my only complaint, too watery, but still good.
The following week we had Thanksgiving at my brother's house. I sat through the meal crying. Usually Thanksgiving is my favorite, I love to get together with everyone, but this time, I just balled and balled. Drove home and thought about it. Um, menstrual cycle is very late, hmmmmm. So I went out for the pregnancy test, not thinking much of it, as I've been irregular the last few years, the doctors said it was a combination of the diabetes, the thyroid disorder, smoking and being overweight. So I wasn't getting my hopes up. The test was positive. On Sydney's 10th birthday I discovered that I am pregnant with my second child, Al's first child. I am 33 and Al is 51. We are excited at the prospect of bringing a new life into the world and adding to our family, we are nervous at the fact that Al is becoming a father when most of the people we know his age are becoming grandparents. Lots of doctors appointments, tests and ultrasounds between now and July. I was able to get an appointment with an OB right away, and confirmed the pregnancy was a viable one. I go on Tuesday to a specialist, who will verify that the pregnancy is continuing to progress normally and then on Wednesday back to the OB. Still taking the same medications that I was taking for the diabetes, they say that it has been found to be safe for pregnant women, that was one of my biggest concerns because when I developed gestational diabetes with Sydney, I was only able to take insulin. I have a feeling that I will be given a fast acting insulin in addition to my long acting one, because no matter how careful I am the sugars shoot up and stay up after meals. Fasting sugars have been higher than I like as well and I know they are higher than was recommended when I was pregnant with Sydney, but not outrageously so.
To add to the excitement, the day after we found out about the impending baby, we watched the bank take back our car. We knew that was coming, we had tried to work with them and to get them to work with us, but we weren't able to make the payments they required and they weren't able or willing to come down on the payments to where we were able to manage them. So for two weeks we took the bus, I think it brought is closer as a family, and reminded us that it was not the end of the world to loose the car. A blessing of a surprise bonus from work just before the holiday allowed us to be able to purchase a car more suited to our means. Unfortunately we found the car to have some problems after purchasing it and we have to cover the cost of some repairs, but the guy is working with us so we can make payments on the repairs. The car is back in the driveway and working fine, so we are happy with it.
Tomorrow Syd goes back to school, I get to resume taking her to school in the morning, and she can return to tutoring in the afternoons. YEAH!! Things are resuming a normal pace around here, and Sydney is very excited to become a big sister. Al said he didn't want to know the gender of the baby, but I told him that I just can't wait to find out. So as soon as it is possible we will find out. I am looking forward to this baby, as I am in a much better place, both emotionally and physically than I was when I had Sydney.

Parenting

I was reminded recently that our children need guidance and depend upon the boundaries that we set for them to feel comfortable. I knew this prior to being told the other night, but it made me feel better about my parenting style. It was also suggested that I make choices for my child without letting her know what is going on and without her input. While I am aware that this parenting style exists, it is not my style nor within my nature to make life altering choices for my child without at least discussing it with her. My daughters input, while not the deciding factor, does have some weight when I am considering the best way to proceed. I was also reminded that at 10, she is still a child, something that I have more of a tendency to forget than to remember due to 10 being the age at which I was asked to care for my younger brothers and take on a lot of responsibility that does not belong on the shoulders of a child. Being reminded of those things, I am reconsidering just which details, if any to share with my daughter regarding her fathers poor choices and the reasons that he has spent the better part of the last three years sitting in the local county jail. She is asking tough questions, like why I don't think he is a safe person for her to go around in a car in, and why I have decided that he will only be allowed to visit her at the house on certain days, and why when he doesn't show up when he says he will and doesn't call that we don't dwell on this fact and we go about our plans without him there and enjoy ourselves anyway. I'm in this tight position, where I have to stand up and be the bad guy to protect my child from a person who very much loves her, but has thus far proven that he is incapable of making decisions that have the welfare of my child in mind. In order to keep the welfare of your child in check you must have control of the situation. He says he would never allow my daughter to be hurt, yet in the next sentence he says he can't control other people's actions. Right, you can't control someone else's actions, but you should be in control of your reactions to them.
Another thought, last night I was with a friend, we took two of her children and my daughter trick or treating, on the way back there was a discussion on the fact that her 7 year old sons room now has posters of the Corona girl, scantily clad of course, the Budwieser girls, again indencently clothed hanging on the wall. She admits that if you didn't know who lived there you would believe that it is a teenage boy and not a 7 year old boy. She says, I had hoped those things would come later, but I have no control over it, people have just given them to him. I held my tounge, but if he were my 7 year old son and it were my friends or boyfriend or what not, and if it were my house, the answer would simply be, to the person giving these items to him, that these items are not appropriate for his age level, and furthermore I refuse to teach my son to objectify women in such a manner.
I'm glad I held my tounge, it would only cause a fight, but why do not more parents choose to be strong and lay down the law rather than to utilize the reasoning I had no control over it, it just happened.

Birth Control

You know, you hear a lot about the teen pregnancy rate being out of control. Some of those teens are looking for unconditional love that they think comes with having a child of their own. Well, I have often thought that any time spent with a child of any age, on a bad day, is great birth control. Take for instance my nearly 10 year old daughter. OH MY, what a bear, if, at 15 I had to spend a week with her, I don't think I'd EVER want to have a child. On the good days though, I wish I had five more just like her.
Today, is one of the bad days, is life going to be one big snotty argument for the next 8 years, oh I really really hope not. Today, the room is a disaster, well every day that is not the day after I've cleaned it the room is a disaster! Par for the course? I suppose so, let me see, how old was I when I finally wanted to keep my room in some reasonable condition? HMMM, around 16 or so I guess, I clearly recall quite a few arguments about a dirty room right around the age Sydney is now. OH, our children our truly our parents revenge.
Ok, so there are really good things about having a nearly 10 year old daughter. Sometimes she says very funny things. Like today, when I was messing around by not using the gas pedal to get up the street to our house, she says "You are aware that if you drive like this tomorrow, we are going to be really late." Or when she does something thoughtful, like fix me a cup of coffee or draw me a pretty picture.
So, the next time you hear of some lonely little teen thinking it is a good idea to go out and get knocked up, tell them that it isn't the sleepless nights that they have to fear during baby hood, it is the day they start to talk back and develop personality.

Found out I'm Normal Today

HA!! For the last year or so I've been a member of a group called motherless daughters, which I joined, because, well...
So today I stumbled on to a site about parentless parents and parentless children, and I could have written the articles that are there, they could be pages from my journal, things I have done for years and thought I was weird. I thought I was weird or that there was something wrong with me because I still miss them so much, but I'm not weird, I'm normal! Ok, well now that I've figured that out, I'll keep on trucking.

Blessings

I was about 10 years old the night my mother sat me down and told me to count my blessings. How she came to this amazing conclusion that I needed to do so, and how she could see that there were so many blessings to rejoice in is amazing to me in looking back. We were living like refugees, my mother having spent all the money my father had left, moved us back to her hometown to live near her family. She and my brothers were secretly staying in a house that was supposed to be vacant, our furniture and all of our possessions piled high throughout the house, I was staying with my grandmother. We were not all under one roof, we did not have a space of our own, she was very depressed, and yet, she told me to stop crying and count my blessings, and I did, they were typical 10 year old blessings, my dog, my mom, my brothers. We had our own apartment shortly after that, but I've never forgotten her sitting down and making me count my blessings, I do it often, I have a rule that I have to come up with at least 10 each time. I've passed that on to my daughter, I make her count her blessings when she is sad, I make her stop and say out loud at least 10 things she has to be thankful for.
I didn't have a perfect childhood, but I was blessed with an amazing mother. Despite her illness she gave me the strength to carry on, the power to love through pain, the power to find something to be thankful for even when the days are dark. She passed on a thirst for knowledge that is never quenched an appreciation for music, and faith in God. I wish that I had been able to appreciate her when I was 18, but 18 is a hard time and we girls don't always appreciate their mothers until later. Even through her death she taught me something, I know that although Sydney and I will have our hard times, she will one day, say like 20 years from now, not find me so annoying and embarrassing.
I've been angry with Mom for a lot of years for leaving me, I've been angry that she isn't here to rally me on and to hold my hand when life is hard, but I forgive you Mom, I forgive you and I love you and I know that although you are not here physically, you are here in spirit.

Remembering to stop and admire the view

This weekend is the Reno Balloon races. An annual even which by chance was the occasion 12 years ago that first brought me into Reno. Leaving my Grandfather's house in Colfax one night and stopping for a few hours sleep at my Aunt's house in Truckee, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep, stumbled to my Uncle's friend's car, and was driven to Reno, where we parked on a hillside, just in time to see the glow show. The glow show begins at 5 a.m. and a formation of four or five balloons light the dark sky in coordination with music, and then at around 5:30 they take off in formation, their beautiful colors only visible against the dark sky as they release gas into the burners to rise in the air. Oh what a beautiful sight, one that has stuck with me through all these years, yet I've never managed to pull my bum out of bed and get down there to see it again. 4 a.m. is quite early, especially on a weekend when I would normally sleep until 8. Last year we almost made it, but it was daylight before we got to the field, this year though, we left the house by 4:45, sat in traffic just a mile from the field, and we were able to get to the field just as the dawn patrol began to light up the sky. There were tears in my eyes, tears of joy for the absolute beauty that I saw before me. We ventured further onto the field, sitting amongst the other balloonists who were preparing their crafts, we went and explored the booths above, the vendors selling beautifully hand made hot air balloon wind chimes, made of stained glass. It was an absolutely amazing experience to catch just a bit of someone belting out America the Beautiful and to find that suddenly this field, which was reportedly filled with up to 50,000 spectators, fall silent as they all listened and then later to watch as those same 50,000 spectators rose from the blankets and chairs they had been seated in for the last 2-3 hours to recognize our National Anthem and watch as planes from the Stead Air Field flew in the missing man formation in tribute to those lost 8 years ago in the 9/11 attacks. The morning grew more amazing as we laid directly under the mass ascension of the 100 or more balloons who were there to participate in the event. The tears kept flowing, because it has been a long and dark summer for me, because I've been sad and grouchy, because I haven't felt well due to neglect of my health. I think we all have a tendency to forget to stop and admire the beauty around us, to catch the sunrise, to show our children something amazing, despite their grouchiness at being pulled out of bed to stumble to the van at a very early hour. Peace has returned to my heart, I actually felt it come back to me today.