Counseling, again, maybe I can finish this time

I started seeing a counselor this week. Well I've been to counseling over the last two years, but it was family counseling and counseling for Sydney. This time I went for me because I can't seem to remember anything lately. I sent out an e-mail in October and asked how my friend was on this fine September day. I got out of the car the other day and realized that it had totally slipped my mind that the baby was in the backseat (no danger to the baby, I never left the car and Syd was right there with her too). I can't remember if I've taken my pills, well that's always been a problem, that's why I religiously use a pill minder. When I'm at work, my stomach hurts, I've got heart burn, and I don't talk for the entire 9 hours I'm there some days. Stress, says the doctor, no physical reason to be this way, all bloodwork is normal aside from my sugars being slightly elevated, but that could still be the pregnancy hormones straightening out with my diabetes. I'm not demented he says, great, thanks. So he says go to counseling for stress management tecniques. I agree, a new baby, going to school full time, Sydney getting older, managing both Al's and my chronic illnesses, lots and lots on my plate, but I don't belive it's entirely new to me to have a full (overflowing) plate, most of the women in my family are highly functioning people. So off I go to the counslor for our first session. I think it will help, I feel better already. You know, I wonder if I'll every fully deal with my mother's illness, her life, her death, and its effects on my life and my reactions to stress. I think I have it handled and something sneaks up on me. Here I go again.
Another think I've been doing is recommiting in my faith. My faith in God and my walk as a Christian have led me through some of my darkest days. I've not allowed myself to be as faithful as I was as a child, and I want to be there again. So I'm praying more and reminding myself that in His arms I have nothing to fear.

My own baby story

On July 8th I entered the hospital to begin induction of labor. I went into a small room with my daughter, my Al and my youngest brother to artificially begin the natural child birth process. They placed Citotek (Sp?) on my cervix twice at three hour intervals and hooked me up to the fetal monitors to ensure that Brooklyn was tolerating the process. The first drop in fetal heart rate occurred shortly after the first application of Citotek. A couple of hours went by, but no further signs of distress from Brooklyn, so they applied the second dose, after finding NO progress being made on the labor front. The second dose brought about more signs of fetal distress, through the night a worried nurse continually checked, telling me to sleep, but HA how is one to sleep upon hearing her child's heart rate drop so low and waiting the two minutes which seemed to be an eternity, to hear the heart rate return to normal. Who can sleep wondering if the next time they wake up, the heart beat of that little person will no longer be there? My OB arrived around 7 a.m. the morning of July 9th to check the strip and verify what the nurse felt she was seeking. No more Citotek, as it was endangering the baby, but now they were looking at an IV of pitocen to further the process. Notice it was to further the process, not to speed the process, as apparently starting the IV without the Citotek doing it's job means the first stages of labor would probably take 24 hours to start. So she calls my Perinatologist, who says that it is too dangerous, a Cesarean is the only way to ensure that both of us survive labor. OH, OH, this is my worst fear, this is the one thing that I haven't even explored because I am so terrified of it. I begin to cry, I can't stop crying, this means gaping hole in my abdomen, in a spot that is prone to infection due to the extra weight I carry, this means a major surgery and a long recovery. This means more risk of leaving possibly not one but two daughters motherless as I am. There's no other way though, we'll begin immediately.
In walks the anesthesiologist. Who takes one look at Al and says "Hey How are you?" Al says, "Nice to see you, this is my baby coming!"
Turns out the two knew each other as the Doctor worked his way through medical school at my beloved Fitzgerald's. This is a good omen, I'm still scared of the procedure, but this is a good omen to me, this is lucky.
So they give me some nasty stuff to empty my stomach, I drink it down and they wheel me down the hall through the doors of the surgery suite. Al is to wait until the epidural is done, but after many tries to get the epidural in place have failed, I end up opting for general anesthesia and Al can't come into the room. So I am out for the birth of my little Brooklyn. I wake up at 10:15 in a recovery room, my first thought is, oh good, I'm alive, Sydney still has a mother. I can't talk yet, but I can think and I can hear, and I've heard someone say recently that Brooklyn is fine. It seems forever, but I find a little strength to ask the nurse if the baby is good, she's perfect, no need for NICU or anything, just perfect, she's in the nursery being cared for until I am back in the land of the living. No Al at my side, no brother, no daughter, but I am not afraid or even upset by it, I know they are somewhere near Brooklyn, staring at her and watching like a hawk, because they know that is what I want them to do. I lay there awhile longer, finally I see a little curly head peak around the curtain, eyes red from crying, I say "I'm ok, Syd, I'm ok, how's your sister? Beautiful?" Yep! So now they are going to take me to a room down the hall to recover some more, the next 12 hours are critical apparently, for me and my blood sugars. Ok, so I sleep off and on, and I feel pain in my abdomen, I wonder what it looks like there, it hurts a little, that's for certain. Where is the baby? In the nursery still, they will bring her soon. Finally at 2:10, they bring her in, she was born at 9:11 a.m. and I didn't see her until 2:10 p.m., so strange for me, I couldn't get up and go find her, but Al knew where she was and had check on her numerous times. It may be years before I get all of that time accounted for, but I know that eventually my wonderful Al who says so few words, will trickle out what occurred while I was out of commission. So they bring her in and I hold her for the first time in my arms, she has Al's nose, dark black hair just as soft as Sydney's was, and big beautiful pouty lips. She's 7lbs 5.5 oz and 18 inches long. Such a good baby, loves to be swaddled, sleeps so well. They moved me after 12 hours to the post partum floor. It was a beautiful room with a fake skylight and this big huge window facing east. The first order of business was them making sure I could get up to go to the bathroom. YEP, then they left the IV in my arm overnight to ensure that I could have medication quickly if needed, but it turned out to be unnecessary. I think there was something I was allergic to in the IV or something, my arm was swollen to twice it's size and very stiff until this morning when I took some benydryl. The nurse thought perhaps the IV had infiltrated the vein and some medication was stuck under the skin, but it was swollen and itchy, which is what happens when I find myself in contact with any kind of sulfate.
The doctor came in on Saturday morning to check on me. He said that dependent on how I was feeling I could possibly go home on Sunday, if I met certain mile stones, that was getting up, walking the halls, having a bowel movement and being able to manage my pain with medication. Ok, now I had something to work on throughout the day, so I did. Sunday morning the doctor came in and said you will probably be here two more days, then we can get your sugars managed, I said, "can I go home today?" Oh You want to? YES YES AND YES
So I got to go home on Sunday!
Our first night home was a little rough. I've never been fantastic at making a four ounce Playtex nurser hold two ounces of formula, so she seemed to not have enough to eat or something until I switched to the Gerber bottle in the middle of the night. Then she slept at three hour stretches, which gave me time to rest too. now she's been asleep nearly four hours and it's time to wake her to eat. She's so beautiful, Sydney and I can't stop staring at her!

Here it comes

Ok, some anxiety is kicking in. Just a bit. I know that tonight I will probably spend sleepless and in pain, is that better than awaiting the impending labor and not knowing when it will come. Since my only experience is knowing the day it will start, I don't know, seems to me, since I don't like to be surprised, that this works out just perfectly for me. Brooklyn's bag is packed and next to the door, but I have yet to pack my own. I cleaned out the cupboards and the drawers in my room last night, found papers from over two years ago that Al and I decided we probably didn't need anymore, fortunately the trash barrel was nearly empty and the trash man came this morning! Glad to know that I have until this evening to get things ready for the little bundle, since we still have much to accomplish in our room tonight. The pack and play will double as a bassinet for her first few months. I'm sure that every night in the upcoming week that Al is not home my room will be occupied by not one, but two daughters, as Sydney can't possibly sleep in her own room when there is a tiny person to be looked upon! I'm not too worried about the pain, I am worried a little about a repeat of the infant Sydney's time spent in the NICU. Babies born to diabetic mother's have a hard time adjusting outside the womb. Keep us in your prayers.

Impatient

The tips of my fingers reach out towards the future. I can nearly feel her in my arms, and yet, the time just continues to drag on. I know that the minute she is in my arm, time will begin flying by faster than I want it to, but I'm impatient for that part to begin. Today the perinatologist called to up my insulin by one unit. Um, what is the point of upping it one unit for one day? I drop the dose in half when I've delivered. Then the OB's office calls to change today's appointment to tomorrow so that they can do the NST. Um, again, what is the point of the NST less than 12 hours before I will be monitored at the hospital when labor is induced. Just a way to drag it out for me. I know that all the precautions up the chances of her being healthy when she comes, but it is so very trying.
To add to my frustration, on Saturday I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions. They were not run through the insurance, then when they ran them it said I had no insurance. Oh that's something that I wanted to hear five days before I go to the hospital to have the baby! I figure there must be some mistake, but at the same time wonder if I've misunderstood the terms of paying my insurance while I am on FMLA. To add to the torment, it's a holiday weekend and I had to wait three days to call the insurance. A quick call Tuesday morning revealed a glitch in their system which led to many people being denied coverage over the holiday! So I call the pharmacy, they run the prescriptions, one goes through, the other comes back saying that diabetic supplies are not covered on my plan. UHHHH, gee they've been covered for the last two years!! So another call to the insurance, oops we're sorry, we've had a glitch in the system. Two hours to figure this out, convince the pharmacy to run it again, and finally, four days after starting out on the quest to fill the prescriptions, I've got them in my hands.
Ok, all of this is so worth it, to hold the new beautiful baby in my arms, to know that she will bring us all closer as a family. So blessed!

Change

The house is pretty quiet right now. Sydney is munching on some popcorn and watching some Disney Channel show. I'm surfing the web, enjoying the air conditioner, which I finally learned how to control the temperature on without freezing. Guess I should have read the instructions when we bought it. Spencer is hanging out by the back door, hoping someone will open it for him after having spent the day sleeping in the as yet unoccupied nursery. Al is sleeping peacefully, undisturbed. Two days from now I'll enter the hospital, mother of one. Al will go with me, about to experience a change that I think he can't yet fathom. Sydney and Jon will accompany us, to await Brooklyn's arrival. I think that even having been a mother for the last ten and a half years I've forgotten just what kind of change the birth of a new baby brings. Two days from now, the peace and quiet in the mid afternoon will be replaced by needed feedings, changing, cuddling and rocking. The silence will be pierced by the cries of our new little addition. We are all holding our breath in anticipation, this day can't arrive quickly enough. She'll come into a home full of love and laughter, a home that is full of unconditional love, patience and understanding of every one's individual needs. The peace I feel about that is indescribable. I believe there are very few people who can understand just how different this atmosphere is from the one that I brought Sydney home to. I am so blessed to have my family, I am so blessed to have a second chance and I am so very blessed to have my Sydney and our Alfred at my side to experience this with me.

A baby

This daughter growing within me is quite amazing. She's wiggly, wonderful, strong. How can something that weighs only 3.4 pounds kick me so hard that I jump, numerous times? Al says she'll be a good football player, I say she'll be a great swimmer. In any case, she'll be loved enormously and spoiled rotten.

My brother is afraid that the decorations that I've picked out for the nursery will lead to gender confusion. HA, he has apparently forgotten that he has two of the girliest nieces that ever existed.

The time is growing near, but still the next few weeks will drag by.

I've had two non stress tests so far, where I get to listen to her heartbeat and movements for a while. I'll have two each week from here on out. The two of us will be well acquainted when she arrives.

I wonder if she will be bigger than Sydney was, I wonder if she will have those chubby chubby cheeks. I can't wait to see my daughters together, I'm most excited about that and already have the frame that will hold the first picture of both of them together.

Missing You

Today, as happens quite often, Sydney was hesitant to give me a kiss goodbye when I dropped her off at school. She eyed the other two kids being dropped off and patted my cheek and said, "Goodbye Mommy."

I said, "You will only be young once, and those kids will not always be around, give me a kiss."

So she did.

I thought about this on the way to work. I recalled the one and only time that I remember being chastised for kissing my mother goodbye. I was older than Sydney though, by about four years. She was dropping me off at middle school, and as the new kid that year, they made fun of me for everything. I do remember telling them, "of course I kiss my mother."

It did change the way I said goodbye to her in public though. I started thinking that had I known that I had only a few years past that day to kiss her goodbye, I would have kissed her every day, no matter who was watching. I can't tell Sydney that though, because I treasure the fact that she doesn't realize how quickly life can change, how one instant everything is just peachy and the next it isn't. I am happy that my daughter is having the childhood that I sped through in hopes of helping my mother raise our family.

I could hear my mother today, surrounding me with her laughter, with her joy. She had an incredible amount of joy to share when she was well. She had so much to share, so much to give, so much to teach. I could hear her telling me that although she is gone, she has never left.

I think I miss her more lately because I am bringing another daughter to the world. While I have so many people to share this joyous event with, even more that I did when Sydney was born because now I have Sydney to share it with, but I wish she was here to hold my hand.

So very fortunate

Last year I decided that our little family was not family like enough. It happened one day last September, when Sydney said something to Al and he told her she was annoying. I said, that's it, we're going to family counseling. He said, we don't need it, I said yes, we do, we have to all learn how to be a family instead of us against him or he and I and she's feeling like a third wheel. So we went, and Al sat quietly, as Al is prone to do, and said not much...
I thought, maybe this isn't going to work, but I kept it to myself. We followed the suggestions of how to be more of a family, things we should do together, ways for us to be closer and more of a family unit. Well, it's working, a family we have become. An added benefit is that Al and I have become better parents and Sydney has become less afraid to speak her mind and be a contributing member of the family.

Maybe it was like this before between them, maybe the counseling has helped, maybe it was me who needed the counseling to see that we are a family and that I'm doing an ok job as a mom. Maybe I was the problem. Sydney is playing baseball this year. I don't know anything about baseball, except that there's four bases and a bat and glove involved. I don't know how to play, I like to watch the sport, but that's it. Al though, he played little league as a kid, and he knows about it, he knows about the equipment and what is involved and what she needs to do. Even better, Sydney's team is called the Giants, Al's favorite team, which is just tickling Sydney.

To add to the family we've built, with no small effort, we have Brooklyn Isabella on the way. Sydney gets a sister, and Al and I another daughter. When Sydney was born I felt so alone, I was terrified at the prospect of raising a baby because part of me knew that her father wasn't going to be around all that much. I pushed ahead and tried to make it work, tried to make it ok, and it didn't work. The week I was divorced a friend pushed me into going out on a date. Al took me out for a drink. We talked for hours, I felt so comfortable, but at the same time awkward because I'd just gotten divorced.
I am so thankful for that night nearly 5 years ago when I woke up and realized that the person who loved me was across the street. I was right, that person still loves me, more every day. We are about to embark on a new adventure, my little family with the big heart holding us together. Sydney Isa, Brooklyn Isabella and Al and Gina, one little happy family. It feels so wonderful and happy. Thank you Lord, for these Blessings.

Frustrated

If I were not pregnant, my sugars would be considered good control. Since I am pregnant, they want them lower than they are now in the mornings. Solution to the higher sugars in the mornings is to up the bedtime insulin. Ok, I see the logic, and logistically I would think this would work. NOPE, DOESN'T WORK. I am beyond frustrated, because the doctor is talking about hospitalizing me to control what I eat, well guess what, I do control what I eat, I don't eat mindlessly, I follow the dieticians plan to the letter, I take hours in the store because I'm reading the labels, I'm doing EVERYTHING they are telling me to do, including giving my sugars to the doctor twice a week. What, I need to know, is the point, of faxing the doctor on Friday if he does nothing to respond until the following Tuesday? Why do I take the time to tell him that my sugars are higher than he has suggested when he communicates no way for me to do anything about them. The one time I did eat alternatively in a way that I knew would allow my sugars to stay in the range that they should (the issue I am having is that the dieticians suggestion of the number of carbohydrates I'm to eat is far more than I would eat were I not pregnant) the doctor says, "NO Stay on the diet we'll adjust the insulin to the diet" Ok, so in the meantime, while they take their own sweet time figuring things out, my sugars are high, I'm no joy to be around, I'm irritable, sleepy and frustrated. I'm sure those aren't conducive to keeping my blood preassure down, which was an issue in my last pregnancy. This is just all more than I bargined for. Only 23 more weeks, oh that seems like such a very long long time to put up with this mess.

Soon and 15 years later

SOON...
In two days I begin my final semester of working toward my Associates Degree. It was my first little goal when I was 18 and starting college. So now nearly 15 years later, I have accomplished it. Will I go on, most likely, but not right away because another dream is coming true this summer. The baby that I've wanted for years is on the way.

15 Years Later...
Also on Monday is the 15th anniversary of my mother's death. I can't believe that 15 years has passed. Last year the anniversary meant that my youngest brother had lived as long with my mother as he had without, this year that becomes true for my next youngest brother. Three years later it will be true for me. I feel strange to think that I've spent nearly half my life without the person who brought me into the world. I miss her, mostly these days when I see a grandma with her granddaughter, I wish my daughter had that with my mother. She is fortunate to have a loving relationship with her paternal grandmother, but she lives far away and we don't get to see her often enough. I can't believe that I've been in Reno for nearly 13 of those years, I left so much behind me when I came over the summit to live all those years ago, and I only meant to come for half a year, maybe a year at the most. I can't believe that the person I stayed for has become someone that I don't recognize anymore. How does life change so much?

I have done a lot of forgiving in the last 15 years, a lot of learning to love myself and to have faith in my ability to be someone separate from my mother. I love you Mom, I miss you, and I hope you are at peace.

New Year

It's been two months since I posted here. I've been exhausted! So much so that I haven't wanted to do much. I thought it was depression due to the upcoming holiday, but the mood swings and the fatigue was a lot, even for me! I get bummed around the holidays, I always to get down, mainly because the holidays usually sucked for me when I was younger and I just don't get excited by them. Lots of stress, pressure to buy buy buy, and that just drives me bonkers, usually though, I can beat that, I cook and clean and decorate to excess and then I go to church and enjoy myself. Thanksgiving came, in the weeks leading up to it, I didn't want to do ANYTHING. I didn't want to socialize with my family, I didn't want to put together Sydney's 10th birthday party, I was run down and crying over EVERYTHING. The party went off for her 10th birthday, that was great, both my brothers pitched in to help me carry it off, I stood up to my ex and told him that this was my family party and my celebration with her and he would have to celebrate on his own with her, I explained it to Syd and she understood, we had a great time. I made my first homemade lasagna, one of which I made with no meat, mental note, drain and thaw any frozen veggies before cooking, that was my only complaint, too watery, but still good.
The following week we had Thanksgiving at my brother's house. I sat through the meal crying. Usually Thanksgiving is my favorite, I love to get together with everyone, but this time, I just balled and balled. Drove home and thought about it. Um, menstrual cycle is very late, hmmmmm. So I went out for the pregnancy test, not thinking much of it, as I've been irregular the last few years, the doctors said it was a combination of the diabetes, the thyroid disorder, smoking and being overweight. So I wasn't getting my hopes up. The test was positive. On Sydney's 10th birthday I discovered that I am pregnant with my second child, Al's first child. I am 33 and Al is 51. We are excited at the prospect of bringing a new life into the world and adding to our family, we are nervous at the fact that Al is becoming a father when most of the people we know his age are becoming grandparents. Lots of doctors appointments, tests and ultrasounds between now and July. I was able to get an appointment with an OB right away, and confirmed the pregnancy was a viable one. I go on Tuesday to a specialist, who will verify that the pregnancy is continuing to progress normally and then on Wednesday back to the OB. Still taking the same medications that I was taking for the diabetes, they say that it has been found to be safe for pregnant women, that was one of my biggest concerns because when I developed gestational diabetes with Sydney, I was only able to take insulin. I have a feeling that I will be given a fast acting insulin in addition to my long acting one, because no matter how careful I am the sugars shoot up and stay up after meals. Fasting sugars have been higher than I like as well and I know they are higher than was recommended when I was pregnant with Sydney, but not outrageously so.
To add to the excitement, the day after we found out about the impending baby, we watched the bank take back our car. We knew that was coming, we had tried to work with them and to get them to work with us, but we weren't able to make the payments they required and they weren't able or willing to come down on the payments to where we were able to manage them. So for two weeks we took the bus, I think it brought is closer as a family, and reminded us that it was not the end of the world to loose the car. A blessing of a surprise bonus from work just before the holiday allowed us to be able to purchase a car more suited to our means. Unfortunately we found the car to have some problems after purchasing it and we have to cover the cost of some repairs, but the guy is working with us so we can make payments on the repairs. The car is back in the driveway and working fine, so we are happy with it.
Tomorrow Syd goes back to school, I get to resume taking her to school in the morning, and she can return to tutoring in the afternoons. YEAH!! Things are resuming a normal pace around here, and Sydney is very excited to become a big sister. Al said he didn't want to know the gender of the baby, but I told him that I just can't wait to find out. So as soon as it is possible we will find out. I am looking forward to this baby, as I am in a much better place, both emotionally and physically than I was when I had Sydney.