Today, as happens quite often, Sydney was hesitant to give me a kiss goodbye when I dropped her off at school. She eyed the other two kids being dropped off and patted my cheek and said, "Goodbye Mommy."
I said, "You will only be young once, and those kids will not always be around, give me a kiss."
So she did.
I thought about this on the way to work. I recalled the one and only time that I remember being chastised for kissing my mother goodbye. I was older than Sydney though, by about four years. She was dropping me off at middle school, and as the new kid that year, they made fun of me for everything. I do remember telling them, "of course I kiss my mother."
It did change the way I said goodbye to her in public though. I started thinking that had I known that I had only a few years past that day to kiss her goodbye, I would have kissed her every day, no matter who was watching. I can't tell Sydney that though, because I treasure the fact that she doesn't realize how quickly life can change, how one instant everything is just peachy and the next it isn't. I am happy that my daughter is having the childhood that I sped through in hopes of helping my mother raise our family.
I could hear my mother today, surrounding me with her laughter, with her joy. She had an incredible amount of joy to share when she was well. She had so much to share, so much to give, so much to teach. I could hear her telling me that although she is gone, she has never left.
I think I miss her more lately because I am bringing another daughter to the world. While I have so many people to share this joyous event with, even more that I did when Sydney was born because now I have Sydney to share it with, but I wish she was here to hold my hand.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
So very fortunate
Last year I decided that our little family was not family like enough. It happened one day last September, when Sydney said something to Al and he told her she was annoying. I said, that's it, we're going to family counseling. He said, we don't need it, I said yes, we do, we have to all learn how to be a family instead of us against him or he and I and she's feeling like a third wheel. So we went, and Al sat quietly, as Al is prone to do, and said not much...
I thought, maybe this isn't going to work, but I kept it to myself. We followed the suggestions of how to be more of a family, things we should do together, ways for us to be closer and more of a family unit. Well, it's working, a family we have become. An added benefit is that Al and I have become better parents and Sydney has become less afraid to speak her mind and be a contributing member of the family.
Maybe it was like this before between them, maybe the counseling has helped, maybe it was me who needed the counseling to see that we are a family and that I'm doing an ok job as a mom. Maybe I was the problem. Sydney is playing baseball this year. I don't know anything about baseball, except that there's four bases and a bat and glove involved. I don't know how to play, I like to watch the sport, but that's it. Al though, he played little league as a kid, and he knows about it, he knows about the equipment and what is involved and what she needs to do. Even better, Sydney's team is called the Giants, Al's favorite team, which is just tickling Sydney.
To add to the family we've built, with no small effort, we have Brooklyn Isabella on the way. Sydney gets a sister, and Al and I another daughter. When Sydney was born I felt so alone, I was terrified at the prospect of raising a baby because part of me knew that her father wasn't going to be around all that much. I pushed ahead and tried to make it work, tried to make it ok, and it didn't work. The week I was divorced a friend pushed me into going out on a date. Al took me out for a drink. We talked for hours, I felt so comfortable, but at the same time awkward because I'd just gotten divorced.
I am so thankful for that night nearly 5 years ago when I woke up and realized that the person who loved me was across the street. I was right, that person still loves me, more every day. We are about to embark on a new adventure, my little family with the big heart holding us together. Sydney Isa, Brooklyn Isabella and Al and Gina, one little happy family. It feels so wonderful and happy. Thank you Lord, for these Blessings.
I thought, maybe this isn't going to work, but I kept it to myself. We followed the suggestions of how to be more of a family, things we should do together, ways for us to be closer and more of a family unit. Well, it's working, a family we have become. An added benefit is that Al and I have become better parents and Sydney has become less afraid to speak her mind and be a contributing member of the family.
Maybe it was like this before between them, maybe the counseling has helped, maybe it was me who needed the counseling to see that we are a family and that I'm doing an ok job as a mom. Maybe I was the problem. Sydney is playing baseball this year. I don't know anything about baseball, except that there's four bases and a bat and glove involved. I don't know how to play, I like to watch the sport, but that's it. Al though, he played little league as a kid, and he knows about it, he knows about the equipment and what is involved and what she needs to do. Even better, Sydney's team is called the Giants, Al's favorite team, which is just tickling Sydney.
To add to the family we've built, with no small effort, we have Brooklyn Isabella on the way. Sydney gets a sister, and Al and I another daughter. When Sydney was born I felt so alone, I was terrified at the prospect of raising a baby because part of me knew that her father wasn't going to be around all that much. I pushed ahead and tried to make it work, tried to make it ok, and it didn't work. The week I was divorced a friend pushed me into going out on a date. Al took me out for a drink. We talked for hours, I felt so comfortable, but at the same time awkward because I'd just gotten divorced.
I am so thankful for that night nearly 5 years ago when I woke up and realized that the person who loved me was across the street. I was right, that person still loves me, more every day. We are about to embark on a new adventure, my little family with the big heart holding us together. Sydney Isa, Brooklyn Isabella and Al and Gina, one little happy family. It feels so wonderful and happy. Thank you Lord, for these Blessings.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Frustrated
If I were not pregnant, my sugars would be considered good control. Since I am pregnant, they want them lower than they are now in the mornings. Solution to the higher sugars in the mornings is to up the bedtime insulin. Ok, I see the logic, and logistically I would think this would work. NOPE, DOESN'T WORK. I am beyond frustrated, because the doctor is talking about hospitalizing me to control what I eat, well guess what, I do control what I eat, I don't eat mindlessly, I follow the dieticians plan to the letter, I take hours in the store because I'm reading the labels, I'm doing EVERYTHING they are telling me to do, including giving my sugars to the doctor twice a week. What, I need to know, is the point, of faxing the doctor on Friday if he does nothing to respond until the following Tuesday? Why do I take the time to tell him that my sugars are higher than he has suggested when he communicates no way for me to do anything about them. The one time I did eat alternatively in a way that I knew would allow my sugars to stay in the range that they should (the issue I am having is that the dieticians suggestion of the number of carbohydrates I'm to eat is far more than I would eat were I not pregnant) the doctor says, "NO Stay on the diet we'll adjust the insulin to the diet" Ok, so in the meantime, while they take their own sweet time figuring things out, my sugars are high, I'm no joy to be around, I'm irritable, sleepy and frustrated. I'm sure those aren't conducive to keeping my blood preassure down, which was an issue in my last pregnancy. This is just all more than I bargined for. Only 23 more weeks, oh that seems like such a very long long time to put up with this mess.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Soon and 15 years later
SOON...
In two days I begin my final semester of working toward my Associates Degree. It was my first little goal when I was 18 and starting college. So now nearly 15 years later, I have accomplished it. Will I go on, most likely, but not right away because another dream is coming true this summer. The baby that I've wanted for years is on the way.
15 Years Later...
Also on Monday is the 15th anniversary of my mother's death. I can't believe that 15 years has passed. Last year the anniversary meant that my youngest brother had lived as long with my mother as he had without, this year that becomes true for my next youngest brother. Three years later it will be true for me. I feel strange to think that I've spent nearly half my life without the person who brought me into the world. I miss her, mostly these days when I see a grandma with her granddaughter, I wish my daughter had that with my mother. She is fortunate to have a loving relationship with her paternal grandmother, but she lives far away and we don't get to see her often enough. I can't believe that I've been in Reno for nearly 13 of those years, I left so much behind me when I came over the summit to live all those years ago, and I only meant to come for half a year, maybe a year at the most. I can't believe that the person I stayed for has become someone that I don't recognize anymore. How does life change so much?
I have done a lot of forgiving in the last 15 years, a lot of learning to love myself and to have faith in my ability to be someone separate from my mother. I love you Mom, I miss you, and I hope you are at peace.
In two days I begin my final semester of working toward my Associates Degree. It was my first little goal when I was 18 and starting college. So now nearly 15 years later, I have accomplished it. Will I go on, most likely, but not right away because another dream is coming true this summer. The baby that I've wanted for years is on the way.
15 Years Later...
Also on Monday is the 15th anniversary of my mother's death. I can't believe that 15 years has passed. Last year the anniversary meant that my youngest brother had lived as long with my mother as he had without, this year that becomes true for my next youngest brother. Three years later it will be true for me. I feel strange to think that I've spent nearly half my life without the person who brought me into the world. I miss her, mostly these days when I see a grandma with her granddaughter, I wish my daughter had that with my mother. She is fortunate to have a loving relationship with her paternal grandmother, but she lives far away and we don't get to see her often enough. I can't believe that I've been in Reno for nearly 13 of those years, I left so much behind me when I came over the summit to live all those years ago, and I only meant to come for half a year, maybe a year at the most. I can't believe that the person I stayed for has become someone that I don't recognize anymore. How does life change so much?
I have done a lot of forgiving in the last 15 years, a lot of learning to love myself and to have faith in my ability to be someone separate from my mother. I love you Mom, I miss you, and I hope you are at peace.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
New Year
It's been two months since I posted here. I've been exhausted! So much so that I haven't wanted to do much. I thought it was depression due to the upcoming holiday, but the mood swings and the fatigue was a lot, even for me! I get bummed around the holidays, I always to get down, mainly because the holidays usually sucked for me when I was younger and I just don't get excited by them. Lots of stress, pressure to buy buy buy, and that just drives me bonkers, usually though, I can beat that, I cook and clean and decorate to excess and then I go to church and enjoy myself. Thanksgiving came, in the weeks leading up to it, I didn't want to do ANYTHING. I didn't want to socialize with my family, I didn't want to put together Sydney's 10th birthday party, I was run down and crying over EVERYTHING. The party went off for her 10th birthday, that was great, both my brothers pitched in to help me carry it off, I stood up to my ex and told him that this was my family party and my celebration with her and he would have to celebrate on his own with her, I explained it to Syd and she understood, we had a great time. I made my first homemade lasagna, one of which I made with no meat, mental note, drain and thaw any frozen veggies before cooking, that was my only complaint, too watery, but still good.
The following week we had Thanksgiving at my brother's house. I sat through the meal crying. Usually Thanksgiving is my favorite, I love to get together with everyone, but this time, I just balled and balled. Drove home and thought about it. Um, menstrual cycle is very late, hmmmmm. So I went out for the pregnancy test, not thinking much of it, as I've been irregular the last few years, the doctors said it was a combination of the diabetes, the thyroid disorder, smoking and being overweight. So I wasn't getting my hopes up. The test was positive. On Sydney's 10th birthday I discovered that I am pregnant with my second child, Al's first child. I am 33 and Al is 51. We are excited at the prospect of bringing a new life into the world and adding to our family, we are nervous at the fact that Al is becoming a father when most of the people we know his age are becoming grandparents. Lots of doctors appointments, tests and ultrasounds between now and July. I was able to get an appointment with an OB right away, and confirmed the pregnancy was a viable one. I go on Tuesday to a specialist, who will verify that the pregnancy is continuing to progress normally and then on Wednesday back to the OB. Still taking the same medications that I was taking for the diabetes, they say that it has been found to be safe for pregnant women, that was one of my biggest concerns because when I developed gestational diabetes with Sydney, I was only able to take insulin. I have a feeling that I will be given a fast acting insulin in addition to my long acting one, because no matter how careful I am the sugars shoot up and stay up after meals. Fasting sugars have been higher than I like as well and I know they are higher than was recommended when I was pregnant with Sydney, but not outrageously so.
To add to the excitement, the day after we found out about the impending baby, we watched the bank take back our car. We knew that was coming, we had tried to work with them and to get them to work with us, but we weren't able to make the payments they required and they weren't able or willing to come down on the payments to where we were able to manage them. So for two weeks we took the bus, I think it brought is closer as a family, and reminded us that it was not the end of the world to loose the car. A blessing of a surprise bonus from work just before the holiday allowed us to be able to purchase a car more suited to our means. Unfortunately we found the car to have some problems after purchasing it and we have to cover the cost of some repairs, but the guy is working with us so we can make payments on the repairs. The car is back in the driveway and working fine, so we are happy with it.
Tomorrow Syd goes back to school, I get to resume taking her to school in the morning, and she can return to tutoring in the afternoons. YEAH!! Things are resuming a normal pace around here, and Sydney is very excited to become a big sister. Al said he didn't want to know the gender of the baby, but I told him that I just can't wait to find out. So as soon as it is possible we will find out. I am looking forward to this baby, as I am in a much better place, both emotionally and physically than I was when I had Sydney.
The following week we had Thanksgiving at my brother's house. I sat through the meal crying. Usually Thanksgiving is my favorite, I love to get together with everyone, but this time, I just balled and balled. Drove home and thought about it. Um, menstrual cycle is very late, hmmmmm. So I went out for the pregnancy test, not thinking much of it, as I've been irregular the last few years, the doctors said it was a combination of the diabetes, the thyroid disorder, smoking and being overweight. So I wasn't getting my hopes up. The test was positive. On Sydney's 10th birthday I discovered that I am pregnant with my second child, Al's first child. I am 33 and Al is 51. We are excited at the prospect of bringing a new life into the world and adding to our family, we are nervous at the fact that Al is becoming a father when most of the people we know his age are becoming grandparents. Lots of doctors appointments, tests and ultrasounds between now and July. I was able to get an appointment with an OB right away, and confirmed the pregnancy was a viable one. I go on Tuesday to a specialist, who will verify that the pregnancy is continuing to progress normally and then on Wednesday back to the OB. Still taking the same medications that I was taking for the diabetes, they say that it has been found to be safe for pregnant women, that was one of my biggest concerns because when I developed gestational diabetes with Sydney, I was only able to take insulin. I have a feeling that I will be given a fast acting insulin in addition to my long acting one, because no matter how careful I am the sugars shoot up and stay up after meals. Fasting sugars have been higher than I like as well and I know they are higher than was recommended when I was pregnant with Sydney, but not outrageously so.
To add to the excitement, the day after we found out about the impending baby, we watched the bank take back our car. We knew that was coming, we had tried to work with them and to get them to work with us, but we weren't able to make the payments they required and they weren't able or willing to come down on the payments to where we were able to manage them. So for two weeks we took the bus, I think it brought is closer as a family, and reminded us that it was not the end of the world to loose the car. A blessing of a surprise bonus from work just before the holiday allowed us to be able to purchase a car more suited to our means. Unfortunately we found the car to have some problems after purchasing it and we have to cover the cost of some repairs, but the guy is working with us so we can make payments on the repairs. The car is back in the driveway and working fine, so we are happy with it.
Tomorrow Syd goes back to school, I get to resume taking her to school in the morning, and she can return to tutoring in the afternoons. YEAH!! Things are resuming a normal pace around here, and Sydney is very excited to become a big sister. Al said he didn't want to know the gender of the baby, but I told him that I just can't wait to find out. So as soon as it is possible we will find out. I am looking forward to this baby, as I am in a much better place, both emotionally and physically than I was when I had Sydney.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Parenting
I was reminded recently that our children need guidance and depend upon the boundaries that we set for them to feel comfortable. I knew this prior to being told the other night, but it made me feel better about my parenting style. It was also suggested that I make choices for my child without letting her know what is going on and without her input. While I am aware that this parenting style exists, it is not my style nor within my nature to make life altering choices for my child without at least discussing it with her. My daughters input, while not the deciding factor, does have some weight when I am considering the best way to proceed. I was also reminded that at 10, she is still a child, something that I have more of a tendency to forget than to remember due to 10 being the age at which I was asked to care for my younger brothers and take on a lot of responsibility that does not belong on the shoulders of a child. Being reminded of those things, I am reconsidering just which details, if any to share with my daughter regarding her fathers poor choices and the reasons that he has spent the better part of the last three years sitting in the local county jail. She is asking tough questions, like why I don't think he is a safe person for her to go around in a car in, and why I have decided that he will only be allowed to visit her at the house on certain days, and why when he doesn't show up when he says he will and doesn't call that we don't dwell on this fact and we go about our plans without him there and enjoy ourselves anyway. I'm in this tight position, where I have to stand up and be the bad guy to protect my child from a person who very much loves her, but has thus far proven that he is incapable of making decisions that have the welfare of my child in mind. In order to keep the welfare of your child in check you must have control of the situation. He says he would never allow my daughter to be hurt, yet in the next sentence he says he can't control other people's actions. Right, you can't control someone else's actions, but you should be in control of your reactions to them.
Another thought, last night I was with a friend, we took two of her children and my daughter trick or treating, on the way back there was a discussion on the fact that her 7 year old sons room now has posters of the Corona girl, scantily clad of course, the Budwieser girls, again indencently clothed hanging on the wall. She admits that if you didn't know who lived there you would believe that it is a teenage boy and not a 7 year old boy. She says, I had hoped those things would come later, but I have no control over it, people have just given them to him. I held my tounge, but if he were my 7 year old son and it were my friends or boyfriend or what not, and if it were my house, the answer would simply be, to the person giving these items to him, that these items are not appropriate for his age level, and furthermore I refuse to teach my son to objectify women in such a manner.
I'm glad I held my tounge, it would only cause a fight, but why do not more parents choose to be strong and lay down the law rather than to utilize the reasoning I had no control over it, it just happened.
Another thought, last night I was with a friend, we took two of her children and my daughter trick or treating, on the way back there was a discussion on the fact that her 7 year old sons room now has posters of the Corona girl, scantily clad of course, the Budwieser girls, again indencently clothed hanging on the wall. She admits that if you didn't know who lived there you would believe that it is a teenage boy and not a 7 year old boy. She says, I had hoped those things would come later, but I have no control over it, people have just given them to him. I held my tounge, but if he were my 7 year old son and it were my friends or boyfriend or what not, and if it were my house, the answer would simply be, to the person giving these items to him, that these items are not appropriate for his age level, and furthermore I refuse to teach my son to objectify women in such a manner.
I'm glad I held my tounge, it would only cause a fight, but why do not more parents choose to be strong and lay down the law rather than to utilize the reasoning I had no control over it, it just happened.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Birth Control
You know, you hear a lot about the teen pregnancy rate being out of control. Some of those teens are looking for unconditional love that they think comes with having a child of their own. Well, I have often thought that any time spent with a child of any age, on a bad day, is great birth control. Take for instance my nearly 10 year old daughter. OH MY, what a bear, if, at 15 I had to spend a week with her, I don't think I'd EVER want to have a child. On the good days though, I wish I had five more just like her.
Today, is one of the bad days, is life going to be one big snotty argument for the next 8 years, oh I really really hope not. Today, the room is a disaster, well every day that is not the day after I've cleaned it the room is a disaster! Par for the course? I suppose so, let me see, how old was I when I finally wanted to keep my room in some reasonable condition? HMMM, around 16 or so I guess, I clearly recall quite a few arguments about a dirty room right around the age Sydney is now. OH, our children our truly our parents revenge.
Ok, so there are really good things about having a nearly 10 year old daughter. Sometimes she says very funny things. Like today, when I was messing around by not using the gas pedal to get up the street to our house, she says "You are aware that if you drive like this tomorrow, we are going to be really late." Or when she does something thoughtful, like fix me a cup of coffee or draw me a pretty picture.
So, the next time you hear of some lonely little teen thinking it is a good idea to go out and get knocked up, tell them that it isn't the sleepless nights that they have to fear during baby hood, it is the day they start to talk back and develop personality.
Today, is one of the bad days, is life going to be one big snotty argument for the next 8 years, oh I really really hope not. Today, the room is a disaster, well every day that is not the day after I've cleaned it the room is a disaster! Par for the course? I suppose so, let me see, how old was I when I finally wanted to keep my room in some reasonable condition? HMMM, around 16 or so I guess, I clearly recall quite a few arguments about a dirty room right around the age Sydney is now. OH, our children our truly our parents revenge.
Ok, so there are really good things about having a nearly 10 year old daughter. Sometimes she says very funny things. Like today, when I was messing around by not using the gas pedal to get up the street to our house, she says "You are aware that if you drive like this tomorrow, we are going to be really late." Or when she does something thoughtful, like fix me a cup of coffee or draw me a pretty picture.
So, the next time you hear of some lonely little teen thinking it is a good idea to go out and get knocked up, tell them that it isn't the sleepless nights that they have to fear during baby hood, it is the day they start to talk back and develop personality.
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